I’ve been such a bad blogger!  I have a new job and life has been extraordinarily busy, but happily I’ve recently celebrated six months sober.  One of these days I will post a proper update, but it’s 9:51pm and my eyes will barely stay opened.

Sober life is good.



I left snowy upstate NY yesterday for the gulf coast of Florida for my cousin’s wedding.   Due to expense, my son and husband stayed behind.  As complete coincidence would have it, I met up with my best friend from high school, who I haven’t seen since college.   She relocated from Arizona to Florida last year, and we were able to meet up and do some window shopping and have dinner yesterday.   It was such a wonderful time!  She knows I have gotten sober – I even spilled some of my deepest darkest secrets as to WHY I am sober, and she was very cool.  No pressure to drink whatsoever.  She had one cocktail at dinner and that was it.   After dinner we walked along the beach and chatted.  I swear we could have talked all night.  During my heavy drinking period (say, college until a few years ago, so that’s about sixteen/seventeen years) I gave not two shits about maintaining true friendships.  It was always about who can I hang out with that will get fucked up with me.    It was way too much trouble to maintain friendshios with people if i had to go out of my way to HELP them.  Drinking has cost me SO much over the years.   I sincerely hope that rekindling this friendship is the start of a lifelong friendship with her and I.

Today will be a little tricky, we (myself, my mother, her boyfriend) are meeting up with my aunt and uncle (parents of the groom) as well as some of my cousins, and with the exceptiin of one cousin who has three young boys, they all LOVE to drink.  We plan to spend the day on the beach, and my aunt, who is a very discriminating chardonnay drinker, has already made several references to drinking wine with me.   I think my mother mentioned to her that I’m not drinking (they had dinner last night) but I know she will push me.  I’m just going to stay firm with my convictions that I don’t want to drink at all.   I even bought a couple of sugar free red bulls to have on the beach so I can feel like I’m indulging.

Sober is better.   Ran 3 miles this morning along the beach, and I feel great.  This is how life is supposed to be.

Losing track of my sober days

Well, I’ve lost track of my sober days, so to do some quick math – I had 14 days sober in February, 31 day sober in March, and today is the 17th of April, so my total sober days are…62.  And still, I’m not very tempted.  Last night, my mother came over, and it was one of those beautiful April evenings where we still aren’t used to 70 degree weather yet, and as we were sitting on the patio while my son gathered sticks and brush for a campfire, she asked for a glass of wine, and her and my husband enjoyed their chardonnay while I sipped on an iced tea.  I even poured the wine for her, gave it a deep smell, and thought “wow, wouldn’t just one glass be nice?”  But then I fast forwarded to one glass turning into four glasses turning into terrible sleep, regretful behavior, and yet again another failed 100 day challenge.  And so I passed on the glass of wine, and enjoyed myself nonetheless.

I have two big travel events coming up soon that I know I’ll have to have a sober contingency plan in place for.  Next Thursday, I’m flying solo to Florida for my cousin’s wedding.  My husband and son were going to come, but unfortunately airfare was so unreasonable to fly down for a long weekend that we couldn’t really justify spending almost $1500 on airfare alone.  And it’s also my son’s big karate showcase and he’s been practicing for months on his routine.  I’m very bummed that I’m going to be missing it, and already feel like a bad mommy because of it.  That being said, my son is such a momma’s boy that I think a weekend with dad is going to be very good for both of them.

Then, I come home for a week only to fly back out to Las Vegas for a week for work.  Thankfully, as my husband is also a customer, he will be going with me.  Granted, I’ll be working all the time I’m out there, but I know we will be able to slip away for a little couple time too.  The big problem with Vegas is that…well…it’s Vegas.  And my co-workers and customers are all big drinkers, for the most part.  Already the big talk is of getting hammered on behalf of the company expense account.  I suppose that Las Vegas will truly be my coming out party, so to speak.

I have no plans whatsoever to drink – my biggest plan is to actually run the strip one morning, and I’m really excited about that.  In fact, the day before we leave for Las Vegas, I’m doing the “Mountain Goat” run, which is a 10 mile run that includes the two highest points in Syracuse.  It’s definitely challenging, as I just ran the course this week.  It will be my biggest accomplishment, as the course is much more difficult than the half marathon I completed in the fall.  And I’m so excited that my son is going to do the fun run before the race.  He has truly become my little “mini-me” when it comes to running, cycling, and working out.  Thankfully I can model a healthy lifestyle as opposed to the one I had been living before.

Taking the day off today to do some stuff for myself – shopping for clothing for my trip, exercising, reading.  These are the true treats of sobriety.

55 days

Today marks 55 days sober, and it just seems to keep getting better.  I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog, and I know that always puts me in dangerous territory.  Once I lose focus on blogging/reading, I lose focus on why staying sober is so important, so I really need to continue to make the effort to at least check in more frequently.  However, with all of that being said, I haven’t felt tempted even once.  I saw my best friend this morning, and she asked if I’m still doing the “not drinking” thing….and I told her that I’m not saying NEVER EVER, (because I don’t want to fail and have to face up to it), but that right now, I feel so good without the guilt, the shitty sleep, the bad skin, the remorse, the making an ass out of myself, and the being present, that I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing.

I had a really good day today – met my friend this morning at 7am (she did my hair) – in the past, I’d be all hungover for a Saturday morning hair appointment, but today I was fresh as a daisy…well, maybe that’s an exaggeration, but at least I didn’t feel like a smashed bag of assholes!  Then I came home to do some stuff around the house and spend some time with my hubby and my son.  Visited with my mom and sister, and then my sister ended up coming over to my house before dinner time.  We made the impromptu decision to go out to dinner (my sis and my boys and I), and most Saturday nights, I’d be looking for the place with the good wine list.  Tonight, we went to a pizzeria that didn’t even serve alcohol.  After that, we decided to go do a little shopping, and then stopped for ice cream afterwards.  Seriously, not a wild and crazy Saturday night, but it just felt good to have a nice time with my family and my sister.  I’m really hoping that she comes around a little more often, because she is in a really bad spot right now, and could use the company.  And honestly, I could use her company too.  I miss her…

Listening to my husband and son play Battleship – they are laughing and being silly. I’m curled up with two American bulldogs on the couch.  And it’s Saturday night at 9:15pm.  I’m sober.  And I’m so content right now.  This life is good.

Last night…

…I received a phone call from my sister around 10pm.  It isn’t like her to call me, as we are not really all that close.  But she called me as I was getting in to bed, because yes, now that I don’t drink, 10pm on a Friday night is a perfectly acceptable bed time.  Anyhow, I answered the phone and she was extremely drunk and sobbing.  She was at the bar right down the road from me (as was my mother, her boyfriend, my cousin and her husband), and had gotten into a fight with her boyfriend.  She said she “needed’ me.  So I asked her if she wanted me to come and pick her up and take her home – she said yes.  I got dressed, ran out and picked her up, drove her home, and just listened to her as she cried and made absolutely no sense at all.  I walked her into her house, made sure she was ok, and came back home.  Told my husband when I got home that I felt grateful that I was there and able to take care of her, but also that I was able to see her like that, as it only reinforced my decision to stay sober.  I don’t ever want to do that hysterical, crying drunk girl thing.  I’ve done it way too many times in the past, and I have no interest in living that way anymore.

Tomorrow will be day 50 for me.

“I like me”

I don’t know exactly how it’s come about, but I’ve found this sense of complete and total acceptance of myself, and I know for sure that it wouldn’t have ever come about without getting sober.  I feel so content just being me, not worrying about measuring up, not worrying about having the latest and greatest, the nicest house, the newest handbag, the smallest waist, the most fashionable clothing.  I don’t worry if I’m the smartest in the group, the most polished, the most witty, the prettiest.  I don’t worry if my child is the brightest or most athletic, if my husband is the most successful, or if my dogs are the most well behaved (thank goodness!).  In the immortal words of Del Griffith (“Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”), I like me. I’m just truly fucking thrilled with the place I am right now.

Now, that’s not to say that I don’t have my struggles.  OH BOY, do I have my struggles!  Making ends meet to pay A’s tuition, reining in my anger sometimes so that I can parent in a caring, compassionate manner instead of a punishing, cold manner.  Igniting the spark in my marriage when full time job, full time mom, housekeeper, short order cook, etc, all comes first.  Worrying that maybe I’m not exercising as much as I should, or eating as healthily as I should, or reading enough to my son, or walking the dogs enough, or working hard enough at work, or keeping the house as clean as I should, or neglecting friendships that I shouldn’t but that I just can’t seem to make enough time for….yes….I have these struggles, and more.   But I’ve come to accept them, to keep from letting them distract me from the most important thing, which is being present in the beautiful life that I’ve been blessed with, and accepting the bad with the good.   And honestly, I owe it all to being sober.  What an amazing gift it is!

Sunday Funday

So, four years ago, Sunday Funday was my hubby, my two year old son, and I heading over to my sister’s house, and us all getting shit-bombed while my son toddled around or watched tv.  I can remember more than one time where I passed out on her couch mid-afternoon and left someone – anyone! – to take care of A.  I’m so beyond disgusted with the person I was back then.  SO self absorbed, so absent from my marriage and from motherhood, and living for a fantasy world where I was so important, so beautiful, so loved….and the only thing that made me feel better was the alcohol.

Fast forward four years, and woke up to A crying out at 5am that his “nostrils are hot and dry.”  lol – kindergarteners say the funniest things!  I got him a drink of water and brought him in bed with hubby and I.  We all fell asleep, only to have American Bulldog #1 wake me by panting in my face – she was hungry!  I always get up first, but hubby jumped right up and fed the pups, leaving me to sleep in a bit (6:30am is sleeping in these days).  I lounged in bed with A, and we snuggled before making our way downstairs at 7.   I loved the slow pace to the morning, making a leisurely breakfast and puttering around the house straightening up.  Went for a 5 mile run and then home to shower and get ready for A’s play date with his buddy.  The boys played in the bounce house while the other mom and I chatted.  I haven’t known her for long, but I like her, and I think I may have made a new friend:)  We had smoothies afterwards (yeah, avocado kale green smoothie was DELISH), then jetted home to drop A off to hubby.  Ran back out for a quick pedicure with a friend (which I never do – that poor pedicurist definitely earned his pay today!) and then home to my family.  We have had a nice, low key evening, though now A is begging me to wrestle with him….this should be fun!

Tale of two Sundays – I’m so grateful that THIS is my Sunday Funday.

PS – Debuting the new haircut at work tomorrow.  Literally cut over 12 inches off!  Think Jennifer Aniston length to Halle Berry length.  NERVOUS!!

Day 42

It’s been a busy week, both at work and at home.  A had his very first kindergarten play on Wednesday, and he had to dress up like a kitty cat.  I drew a nose and whiskers on him, and he looked adorable!  But he has this weird thing when he gets up in front of a crowd to perform where he just looks completely disgusted and unmotivated – almost like he’s “too cool” to perform.  Like “ugh, Mom, REALLY, a cat??  How lame is this!”  Yep, that’s my kindergartener!  Already jaded…

Work has been crazy, too, but I love my job, and so it’s ok.  It’s amazing how much more productive I am when I’m not dealing with hangovers and guilt from my drinking.  And in my industry, drinking is expected.  I work with men, and they work hard and play hard.  But, I’ve already conquered a few work functions where I’ve been the sober one, and now everyone is starting to expect it from me.  It’s nice to remember what I actually say to my co-workers and customers.  We have a big trip to Las Vegas in a little over a month for a work function (they expect over 15,000 employees and customers for this convention/business meeting), and I’m already planning my strategy for staying sober.  One of my plans is to wake up early (which shouldn’t be a stretch – I’m an early bird anyhow, and going from east coast to west coast, I’ll be all banged up anyhow) and run the Strip.  I cannot WAIT to do that!

As far as me, and my focus on wellness, well, I’ve figured out how to sync my Fitbit to MyFitnessPal, and I’ve been doing a great job tracking my calorie intake.  I’m not being terribly rigid, because I tend to get derailed quickly when I do, but it really is making me more aware of my body’s signals to eat when I’m hungry, as opposed to eating out of boredom and stress.  And as a result, I’ve lost about 4 pounds this week:)  What I also like is that MyFitnessPal tells me when I’m making a good food choice (ex. thai sweet potato sushi rolls – excellent source of Vitamin A!), so it’s nice to be encouraged when making a smart choice.  AND, I have more energy, because I’m not bogged down with excess food that my body doesn’t need.

I’m seeing my hairdresser today – who happens to be one of my closest friends – and I’m doing it!  I’ve been going back and forth for AGES about chopping my long, lovely hair off boy short, and I’m going to do it.  I’ve been saddled with thick, luxurious, unruly hair for ages, and as much as I love it, I hate it, too.  It’s just too much.  When I was in college, I had a cute pixie cut, and everyone said I wore it well.  So, I’m going to do that again.   I’ll literally be cutting off 10-12 inches, easily.  And I’m nervous as hell!!  I’ve already told some of my co-workers that I’m doing it so that Monday morning won’t be so much of a shock (I think that is the part I’m most stressed about), and also so that I don’t lose my nerve.

The urge to drink has been nonexistent these days, for which I’m grateful.  I had the realization the other morning that “wow, I don’t EVER have to wake up hung over again!”  It was so freeing.  I really love this life, hard emotions and all.  I can’t believe I ran from it for so long.

Time for wellness

Winter is such a depressing time of year for me.  I’m not into skiing, snowshoeing, sledding, etc.  I detest being cold, which is somewhat unfortunate as I live in Upstate New York.  But what I’ve noticed is that some part of me stops living when it’s cold.  All of my goals, ambitions, grand ideas seem to wait until spring has sprung.  My motivation hibernates all winter long.  And honestly, I’m over it.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done on my sobriety thus far, but I’ve let everything else slide, and I’m feeling the effects of it, mentally and physically.

Although this is my sobriety blog, I want to rebrand it as my wellness blog.  I want to bring my focus back to eating and cooking healthy meals, moving my body, finding time to meditate and pray, connecting in a positive way with my husband and son, and working on being the best version of myself that I can be.   Simply being sober isn’t enough.

Today’s focus:  putting down the electronics and truly being present with my husband and son.

The concert, continued

I was so bolstered by your comments of support last night as I drove twelve of my closest friends and family members to the Billy Joel concert.  Thank you so much!

For the record, I had an amazing time!  I am giddy with happiness this morning that I had FUN and even moments of pure joy without having to be intoxicated.  I danced, sang, snuggled up to my hubby, laughed with my friends, and even walked 2+ miles to the parking lot after the show (instead of waiting for the shuttle bus), and then drove my friends home safely, came home, washed my face and brushed my teeth, and slept a guiltless sleep, with the words of the Piano Man’s songs streaming through my dreams.  And let me tell ya, the man is 65 years old and his voice is FLAWLESS!  What a show!  He played for 2 and a half hours straight and just belted them out, one after another.   It’s the best concert I’ve ever been to.

My sister got so hammered that she almost barfed in the van on the way home.   Another friend got so drunk she was an emotional mess.   I’m so not judging, because I’ve been there countless times, but I’m just happy I’m not in their shoes today.

Day 36.   Bring it on!