One week ago…

It was one week ago that I broke my 10 day sobriety streak. I know that ten days is nothing in comparison to so many who are taking the 100 day challenge, but they were MY ten days. I fell off when friends came over for a pool party, and I simply said “hell with it” and had three glasses of wine. I felt so disappointed afterwards – was the few hours of soft edges and less stress really worth throwing off my sobriety count?

Well, it WAS worth it. Why? Because had I not caved and learned something from the experience, I would never have been able to get through this evening. Friends came over for my older step daughter’s birthday dinner, and there was plenty of drinking. I so wanted a nice glass of wine poolside, but I remembered how upset I was last Sunday morning, so I held my ground. No alcohol for me! Tonight makes two nights in a row where alcohol was served and I stood firm and remained sober.

I couldn’t be happier tonight. And tomorrow I shall wake up early, feeling great, and will ride 50 miles with a great new group of friends. I wouldn’t dare to do that hung over:-)

Swimming = sobriety?

Today was my very first open water swim practice, and I was SO intimidated by the notion of swimming in the murky lake with seaweed and fish and other such creatures, as well as my relative lack of swimming skills.  But, I donned my wetsuit, jumped in, and practiced.  After about five minutes I stopped freaking out about being in the lake with all of the flora and fauna, and started to concentrate on my swim technique (which is weak, to say the least).  And with each stroke, I became more confident.  Maybe I CAN complete this triathlon on August 4th (holy crap – August 4th is just around the corner!)

I guess I could liken swimming to my sobriety journey.  With each stroke, I become more confident in my swimming abilities – and with each sober day, I become more confident that sobriety is what I want – that the sober life is the life that I want to live.  I want to FEEL the ups and downs – whereas before I would simply level out the peaks and valleys with chardonnay. 

On a different note, today I told someone at work about my journey to sobriety.  I feel like if I tell people (especially people that I really respect, like the woman I told at work), I will be held that much more accountable to remain sober.  She was a very big drinker when she was younger (she is in her 60s now), and quit drinking 20 years ago.  She said she was very proud of me and really happy for me.  Made me feel good to have a cheerleader in my corner. 

So, I really have to stay sober this weekend, and of course I will, as I’m never drinking again.  But I have lots of tri training this weekend:  Saturday will be a bike/run brick with my tri training group, and Sunday is going to be a brutal 54 mile HILLY bike ride with my century ride training group.  We did our century ride at the beginning of the month, but we have all decided to keep doing group rides so that we don’t lose what we’ve built up.  And of course, with those two activities, I absolutely don’t want to be hung over. 

And I won’t.  Because I’m not drinking anymore. 

Today is a good day

As the title of my post states, today is a good day!  I’ve been busy from 5am until right now – 8:30pm, and staying busy is good for keeping me sober.  I woke up at 5, did my “30 day ab challenge” (day 19!), showered, had breakfast with my boys, and then worked all day.  Picked up my son, dropped him off at my mom’s and then DH and I went to the gym and worked with our trainer, who kicked our asses all over the place!  But it is a good kind of pain – after all, who really needs to lift their arms over their heads, anyways?  As far as training goes, tomorrow I will run 5k before work. Wednesday is bike day (my favorite) and Thursday is my first open water swim.  YUCK!  I’m terrified of creatures lurking in the water, and seaweed wrapping around my ankles freaks me out big time.  But I can’t very well be a triathlete if I’m petrified of open water swimming.

On the sobriety front, today I feel great.  I don’t really struggle too terribly much during the work week when I’m busy unless friends drop by and want to drink.  It’s the weekends that kill me.  I used to drink every single day to the point of being seriously shit faced as I put my son to bed.  Since training for my triathlon and century ride, I’ve significantly limited my alcohol intake on a daily basis, but seemed to make up for it on the weekends.  37 year old moms should NOT be binge drinkers.  My 4 year old son shouldn’t fill out a Mother’s Day card at preschool (entitled “20 things about my mom”) and answer the question “What’s my mom’s favorite drink” with “wine.”  He shouldn’t grow up in a house where drinking is normal and expected.  He shouldn’t be subjected to mom and her friends getting completely drunk and ridiculous where they are flashing each other, grabbing asses, smoking cigarettes, sobbing and crying, and then puking.  Seriously, don’t I owe it to my child, my family, myself, to be a better version of the current me?? 

But because I no longer drink every night, all of my friends and family say that I don’t really have a problem. 

Here’s why I have a problem.  Here are the things I’ve done while drunk:

Cheated on my husband, driven drunk (even when my son was with me), threw a dirty diaper at my husband and told him that I hate my life (I don’t even remember this one!), have showed my boobs to entirely too many people in too many bars, drunk texted co-workers, yelled at my son for being a kid,  got a little too friendly with a girl that I just met at my best friend’s holiday party (and made an ass out of myself), jumped into a pool wearing only my underwear in front of my subordinates, etc etc….I could go on and on about how horrible I am when drunk. 

I need to keep reminding myself of these horrendous things when the urge to drink strikes me.  Because, yes, I can just have a drink or two and walk away from it for a day or so.  But more often than not, one or two isn’t enough, and three or four sound better, and then I turn into the fucking devil. 

 

Feeling lost

Today I am feeling lost. So much of my identity and my relationships with people centers around alcohol. I think that is part of the reason why I failed yesterday and drank. The large majority of my family and friends don’t understand shy I am doing this. They think I am really not that bad. They don’t see me falling down drunk all the time and so that must mean that I don’t have a drinking problem, right? My friends saw me really upset yesterday about my step daughter and encouraged me to drink. Mod course, only my husband and a couple of friends know that I am trying to stop drinking and get sober. Neither my hubby or my girlfriend tried to stop me yesterday. And not that they should be the ones to tell me to stop, but a stern look or an “are you sure you want to do this” may have helped me to take a step back and make a healthier decision.

That being said, I think I struggle because nobody in my life really wants me to stop drinking. Even my husband drinks every day, and my friends basically drink whenever we get together. Either imam not cut out for this, or it’s going to be a very lonely road for me. Jeez, listen to me with my little pity party!! So not wanting to sound like a whiny ass, but it’s how I am feeling right now. Maybe I should check out AA – at least I would get to know some like minded people.

So now I guess I start
with the rock at the bottom of the hill. I have to get busy pushing that thing!

Day One – again

Well, I completely fell down yesterday. I had three glasses of wine. And while I was completely disgusted with myself last night, now, I only feel like this is a small stumbling block on my overall journey to sobriety.

Some things I’ve learned:

1. I slept like shit last night. I don’t like that feeling – I was really enjoying the feeling of being fresh and well rested while sober.

2. I was less patient with my son. After three glasses of wine, I couldn’t deal with him when he was being cranky. I am embarassed at how I acted around him.

3. I don’t like “drunk me.” Sure, one glass took the edge off, since I was struggling with some serious stress and anxiety, but I don’t like who I am when I drink.

4. I need to come up with a better coping mechanism to help me through stressful situations. A

5. I need to come up with a way to stay sober when my friends are drinking.

So, why did I drink? Well, I think the trigger was my stepdaughter showing up at our house at the same time that I’m trying to have a pool party for my son and his friends. See, my stepdaughter is 18 years old, bipolar, off her meds, and just recently found out she is pregnant. The father is her new drug dealer boyfriend. Needless to say, this has caused a tremendous amount of heartache for my hubby and our family. G, as I will refer to her, has always been a very sweet and loving girl, albeit overly sensitive. When she was 14, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This has been a bit of a struggle because she has really revolted against being labeled mentally ill. So we have seen her go through these cycles where she stops taking her medication and usually becomes severely depressed and ends up hospitalized for a few weeks at a time. Well, this time, back in the early spring, apparently she stopped taking her meds and became severely manic. She dropped out of college, lost her job, started drinking and doing drugs, and now, she is pregnant. She has been arrested for breaking and entering, and is basically just a mess. While we try to understand that she is ill, we still have a difficult time dealing with her, especially because she has become very angry and hostile. And when she showed up here yesterday, I was just on high alert and very edgy. ESPECIALLY with children around. So, while the kids were in the pool, G was inside causing all kinds of drama and crying and yelling at my hubby. I just couldn’t help it – both of my girlfriends were having cocktails, and I just poured myself a glass of wine. One glass led to three, and I was close to pouring another when I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing?? I was TEN days into my sobriety and I blew it.” So I made myself a club soda and lime, served up with a hearty side of shame and disappointment.

As I said, I was really upset with myself yesterday, but today I’m chalking it up to a learning experience. Now, even more so, I know that I want to remain sober. The short term benefits to having a drink are just not worth it. So, today I reset the days on my 100 day challenge.

Day 10

I’m in the parking lot at the local middle school, waiting for everyone else to show up. We have triathlon training this morning – we will ride 15 miles and then run 5k.  So glad I didn’t drink last night or today would be painful.  

Day 8

Today is day 8 and I am holding steady.  Still not much of a desire to drink only because I am still relishing the feeling of waking up fresh and well rested.  Though today I definitely overdid it with the sweets.  I usually follow a paleo diet but since going without wine, I have given myself a little more leeway in regards to my diet.  Well, today I feel gross.  Way too many sweets- need to get back on track tomorrow.  

 

I am still struggling with the notion that maybe I don’t have a serious drinking problem.  My friends and family always tell me “you aren’t that bad,” or ” you don’t really drink that much.”  But if I have feelings of guilt about drinking or if I drink to escape the daily bullshit that comes from working full time and raising a four year old, doesn’t that constitute a problem?? Do I need to be falling down drunk to feel bad about drinking? Isn’t it bad enough that I would read to my son every night drunk, or at least seriously buzzed? Or that I’d plant him in front of the tv so I could drink in peace?? That, my friends, seems like a problem to me…