Well, I completely fell down yesterday. I had three glasses of wine. And while I was completely disgusted with myself last night, now, I only feel like this is a small stumbling block on my overall journey to sobriety.
Some things I’ve learned:
1. I slept like shit last night. I don’t like that feeling – I was really enjoying the feeling of being fresh and well rested while sober.
2. I was less patient with my son. After three glasses of wine, I couldn’t deal with him when he was being cranky. I am embarassed at how I acted around him.
3. I don’t like “drunk me.” Sure, one glass took the edge off, since I was struggling with some serious stress and anxiety, but I don’t like who I am when I drink.
4. I need to come up with a better coping mechanism to help me through stressful situations. A
5. I need to come up with a way to stay sober when my friends are drinking.
So, why did I drink? Well, I think the trigger was my stepdaughter showing up at our house at the same time that I’m trying to have a pool party for my son and his friends. See, my stepdaughter is 18 years old, bipolar, off her meds, and just recently found out she is pregnant. The father is her new drug dealer boyfriend. Needless to say, this has caused a tremendous amount of heartache for my hubby and our family. G, as I will refer to her, has always been a very sweet and loving girl, albeit overly sensitive. When she was 14, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This has been a bit of a struggle because she has really revolted against being labeled mentally ill. So we have seen her go through these cycles where she stops taking her medication and usually becomes severely depressed and ends up hospitalized for a few weeks at a time. Well, this time, back in the early spring, apparently she stopped taking her meds and became severely manic. She dropped out of college, lost her job, started drinking and doing drugs, and now, she is pregnant. She has been arrested for breaking and entering, and is basically just a mess. While we try to understand that she is ill, we still have a difficult time dealing with her, especially because she has become very angry and hostile. And when she showed up here yesterday, I was just on high alert and very edgy. ESPECIALLY with children around. So, while the kids were in the pool, G was inside causing all kinds of drama and crying and yelling at my hubby. I just couldn’t help it – both of my girlfriends were having cocktails, and I just poured myself a glass of wine. One glass led to three, and I was close to pouring another when I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing?? I was TEN days into my sobriety and I blew it.” So I made myself a club soda and lime, served up with a hearty side of shame and disappointment.
As I said, I was really upset with myself yesterday, but today I’m chalking it up to a learning experience. Now, even more so, I know that I want to remain sober. The short term benefits to having a drink are just not worth it. So, today I reset the days on my 100 day challenge.