Morning

Morning is my favorite time of day.  With a fresh and sober perspective, the day holds so much promise.  While everyone is still tucked in their beds, I take my dog for a long walk and listen to the birds and just think.  No fuzzy head, no reliving the events of the night before, no regrets.  A long walk in the morning is such good therapy. I can mentally plan my day, I can pray, I can take in the beauty of the rising sun, or I can just be. 

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FInding the new me

Today is my day 13 – I think this is my second day 13, the first go around I made it to day 10, the second time, I made it a little over two weeks (can’t remember exactly when I failed), but this time, for some reason, it feels different. 

One week from Sunday, I will compete in my first ever sprint triathlon.  I am far from being a skilled swimmer, fast cyclist, or effective runner.  But I WILL complete the course, which is something I’ve wanted to cross off my bucket list for some time.  Prior to tri training, I had been working with a personal trainer at the gym, and our focus was weight training.  I absolutely love lifting weights, and both my hubby and I really love our trainer.  He is such a great guy – very encouraging, very knowledgable, and he kicks our ass.  However, what has always held me back from getting from point A to point B had been my wine drinking.  Trainer would give us a nutritional plan to follow (we follow the Paleo plan when we are “on”), but I’d sabotage it all with my drinking.  Sure, I’d eat an extremely healthy dinner, but would wash it down with a bottle of wine, and then, oh hell, is that ice cream in the freezer??  Damn, those potato chips look good!  Hey – my son has some Easter candy left!!  You can see where I’m going with this….the booze would always lead me to make bad decisions regarding food. 

I’m a very impulsive person (aren’t most alcoholics?) and even now, without the wine, I find myself making poor choices.  I’m craving sugar, but from what I understand, that may be normal?  So, hubby and I have decided to start the Hubby vs. Wife Body Fat Challenge.  We are looking to really get back into the gym and to start eating healthy again, and whoever loses the biggest percentage body fat in six weeks gets something fabulous from the loser.  I’m really excited about the prospect of focusing on something other than drinking.  And doing this may just help me to reach the goals that I’d always sabotaged by drinking mass quantities of calories every evening. 

Day 13 feels pretty good! 

 

On an island

Well, it seems like I’m starting to realize how different I am from my family, friends, coworkers with my newfound sobriety. Last weekend, I had a girlfriend cancel on my to do something with another friend (who is a big drinker), despite the fact that she kept sending me passive aggressive text messages about how much she misses our time together. Then this weekend, I was supposed to get together with my cousin, who is also one of my very closest friends, and I was so excited because we were planning a girls date night – dinner and then a trip to the coffeehouse for some organic lemonade with rose water (yum!). But then she cancelled on me as well. She is also a pretty big wine drinker, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, I’ve become boring to my boozing buddies.

And then, I’ve never really fit in at work, since I’m a woman in a very heavily male dominated industry. I’m in sales, so of course, we are all big drinkers. That’s what we do – we work hard and we play hard. Well, since becoming sober, the ONLY thing that I really had in common with these people is now gone. And I feel like I’m on an island. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not even remotely thinking about going back to my old ways, but I’m really starting to feel so very different from the people in my life.

Maybe different isn’t so bad? Hell, last night was Friday night. I played in the pool with my son and husband, and out of the blue, at 7:30pm, I decided to get out and go for a run. Prior to becoming sober, I would never have been able to do that because by 7:30pm, I would have been shitfaced. It feels great to NOT WASTE SO MUCH TIME. It feels GREAT to be awake at 6am and to feel amazingly clearheaded and full of energy. It feels great to not look at my phone and say, “Oh shit, who did I drunk text last night?” It feels great to feel great!

So why do I feel so lonely?

Getting tired of failing

Well, here I sit, again, at day one. I can’t seem to commit to much of anything these days, be it fitness, diet, sobriety, etc…I really think that my problem is twofold. First of all, when I’m tired, my defenses are down, and any sort of resolve that I have simply crumbles. And I’ve been running in several different directions lately, so I find myself completely exhausted. Then, when the mental work to stay sober is required, I just don’t feel like doing it. Ridiculous, isn’t it? All I’m doing is compounding the problem of my exhaustion by drinking and (duh) not sleeping well; therefore, becoming more exhausted.

That’s one issue. But I really think that my biggest issue is this nagging thought in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I can have just a couple of glasses of wine and not act like an idiot and sleep okay and have a lovely evening. If I can moderate successfully, then why should I give up drinking altogether? After all, I enjoy it (while I’m doing it). It’s great fun, being so grown up and socializing and living life to its fullest, glass of wine in hand the entire way…But, really, once I’m no longer drinking, I wonder WHY THE FUCK I even drank at all, because really, it ISN’T that enjoyable, and really, didn’t I completely zone out and ignore my son and give him my iPad to play with so I wouldn’t have to entertain him? Don’t I feel like a complete piece of shit mother because I chose to drink and be self indulgent (playing on my phone, chatting with my friends, drinking drinking drinking) instead of choosing to dance with my beautiful 4 year old son (who really was getting into it with some creative dance moves), who only wanted some time with his mommy who just returned home from three days on the road? Yes, I do. I feel like a complete piece of shit and like a complete failure. And I’m tired of feeling like this. I hope that I can find the strength to just stop, once and for all.