Getting tired of failing

Well, here I sit, again, at day one. I can’t seem to commit to much of anything these days, be it fitness, diet, sobriety, etc…I really think that my problem is twofold. First of all, when I’m tired, my defenses are down, and any sort of resolve that I have simply crumbles. And I’ve been running in several different directions lately, so I find myself completely exhausted. Then, when the mental work to stay sober is required, I just don’t feel like doing it. Ridiculous, isn’t it? All I’m doing is compounding the problem of my exhaustion by drinking and (duh) not sleeping well; therefore, becoming more exhausted.

That’s one issue. But I really think that my biggest issue is this nagging thought in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I can have just a couple of glasses of wine and not act like an idiot and sleep okay and have a lovely evening. If I can moderate successfully, then why should I give up drinking altogether? After all, I enjoy it (while I’m doing it). It’s great fun, being so grown up and socializing and living life to its fullest, glass of wine in hand the entire way…But, really, once I’m no longer drinking, I wonder WHY THE FUCK I even drank at all, because really, it ISN’T that enjoyable, and really, didn’t I completely zone out and ignore my son and give him my iPad to play with so I wouldn’t have to entertain him? Don’t I feel like a complete piece of shit mother because I chose to drink and be self indulgent (playing on my phone, chatting with my friends, drinking drinking drinking) instead of choosing to dance with my beautiful 4 year old son (who really was getting into it with some creative dance moves), who only wanted some time with his mommy who just returned home from three days on the road? Yes, I do. I feel like a complete piece of shit and like a complete failure. And I’m tired of feeling like this. I hope that I can find the strength to just stop, once and for all.

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8 thoughts on “Getting tired of failing

  1. Sorry that you’ve been struggling…ugh, alcoholism likes to tell us that we don’t have a problem. Ain’t that a crock. It whispers sweet nothings in our ear and tells us that we’re overreacting, etc. that maybe one drink isn’t so bad. Or two. Or three. No big deal, right? And that’s how it sucks us in. One of many, many ways that it does. You’re not a failure though. Self-loathing is another way that it gets us to pick up. Feeling shitty about yourself. Have a drink – you’ll feel on top of the world! BS. It’s an illusion. But you’re not a failure, Jessie. We all felt like that too. I did, at least. This is an insidious illness and is relentless. You wouldn’t say the same thing if you had schizophrenia or diabetes. Be gentle on yourself 🙂

    Blessings,
    Paul

    • Paul, I responded to your comment and now it’s gone! Still getting the hang of this site:-)

      Anyhow, thank you for your kind and understanding comments. It is comforting to know that someone understands the struggle – the questioning – am I really that bad? Do I really have a problem? But honestly, if one has to ask, one probably has a problem, right?

  2. I am so sorry that you find yourself struggling and feeling like this is too hard. Staying sober is really freaking hard!!! Whether or not you are an alcoholic, or have a drinking problem is not really the point. The point is – that you are trying to stop doing something that you would normally do. I’m not trying to be judgmental at all, but someone said something to me once that really made sense. Someone who doesn’t have a drinking problem doesn’t sit around and wonder if they have a drinking problem or not. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Hang in there – I have been in your place – many times. It took me many times to stay sober. One thing that I have done this time around was blog – almost every day. Whether things were good or not, I wrote about them. Seemed to help me. Good luck!

  3. I can totally relate.. I went my first 16 days ever that I can remember sober (besides 3 pregnancies) and I was fine.. Totally ready to continue this “sober thing” a switch turned on or off not sure.. And had to drink… The first drink.. Oh sure I can handle a couple hang with kids and its not a big deal.. Next thing I know all by my self chugging wine like there’s no tomorrow ignoring what is important.. All in bed me alone outside like a drunken fool… But the good news is you are not a shitty mom.. You recognize this and are trying to make changes,.. You are doing what you have to to heal and take care of you.. That is the hardest part about being a mother… Doing right for you before anyone else… I’m so glad I found you and this blog.. I’m struggling and needed to not feel alone.. Prayers and support anytime you need….
    Lex

    • Lex, thank you so much – your prayers and support and kind words mean a lot. I’m looking forward to catching up on your blog and sharing this journey with you.

  4. how is it going? hope you are ok..

    • Doing really well – this was an older post, I’m 11 days in and finally feel like this time, it’s going to stick. Yes, my son drove me nuts last night and I really wanted a glass of wine, but not so much that I took my eye off the ball. Feeling great and being productive is so much better than the alternative. How are you doing?

  5. Oh, jeez…this hits home.

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