Well, here I sit, again, at day one. I can’t seem to commit to much of anything these days, be it fitness, diet, sobriety, etc…I really think that my problem is twofold. First of all, when I’m tired, my defenses are down, and any sort of resolve that I have simply crumbles. And I’ve been running in several different directions lately, so I find myself completely exhausted. Then, when the mental work to stay sober is required, I just don’t feel like doing it. Ridiculous, isn’t it? All I’m doing is compounding the problem of my exhaustion by drinking and (duh) not sleeping well; therefore, becoming more exhausted.
That’s one issue. But I really think that my biggest issue is this nagging thought in the back of my mind that maybe, just maybe, I don’t have a problem with alcohol. I can have just a couple of glasses of wine and not act like an idiot and sleep okay and have a lovely evening. If I can moderate successfully, then why should I give up drinking altogether? After all, I enjoy it (while I’m doing it). It’s great fun, being so grown up and socializing and living life to its fullest, glass of wine in hand the entire way…But, really, once I’m no longer drinking, I wonder WHY THE FUCK I even drank at all, because really, it ISN’T that enjoyable, and really, didn’t I completely zone out and ignore my son and give him my iPad to play with so I wouldn’t have to entertain him? Don’t I feel like a complete piece of shit mother because I chose to drink and be self indulgent (playing on my phone, chatting with my friends, drinking drinking drinking) instead of choosing to dance with my beautiful 4 year old son (who really was getting into it with some creative dance moves), who only wanted some time with his mommy who just returned home from three days on the road? Yes, I do. I feel like a complete piece of shit and like a complete failure. And I’m tired of feeling like this. I hope that I can find the strength to just stop, once and for all.