Just a really quick entry – I really love my sober life. So much less drama and bullshit. More patience and compassion. Feeling great and looking great. Life is just so much more enjoyable and so much less complicated. Sunday will be 50 days!
Today I’m thinking about my sweet girl, Maggie, who we had to euthanize in April after an 8 month battle with lymphoma. She had just turned 8 years old in February, and we treated her with chemotherapy for as long as we could afford it. Oh, how I miss her.
I can’t help but reflect back to my days with her, when I wasn’t sober. I was such a terrible person. I would be impatient if she played too rough around my son (even though it was really my son I should have been concerned with – Maggie was such a gentle dog – she let him do whatever he wanted to her). I would yell at her, swat at her if she jumped (her one bad habit), and basically had no patience when we had company over and she would simply be greeting them – but as a 75 pound American Bulldog, she usually would knock people over completely on accident. Bull in a china shop.
I know it sounds crazy, but those months of chemotherapy were a true gift. Not only did I get more time with her, but knowing our time together was so short, I was able to truly give her the gift of my love and patience. I cannot say how many times I cried with her as I drove her over two hours just to get to her chemotherapy appointments. Because of the chemo, we were able to have her with us for Halloween, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas, and even for Easter. We celebrated her 8th birthday with a huge family party (I have a big family of dog lovers) – and of course, each occasion was an opportunity to get drunk.
Even the night that we took her in to be euthanized (which was a decision that was made that very day – I just knew she was ready, even if she probably would have continued to take food for another week or so) my husband and I came home, tear stained faces, and drank an entire bottle of wine as we mourned the loss of our sweet baby girl.
I really regret not only poisoning the good times with alcohol, but I also regret not truly feeling the painful times. I regret that I am only now starting to become the person that I want to be – that I wasted so many years of my life being a hateful and impatient person.
I am so glad that today is day 42. I don’t really know why I’m blogging about my dog, but I guess I’m just feeling really bummed out and I’m missing her tonight. This beats drinking wine.
Today is 41 days, and I’m celebrating by running to the toilet and pooping my brains out. YAY! I guess that it’s to be expected when you have a four year old – every few months I go on this diet. But the truly amazing thing is that I know it’s the bug and not because I drank my face off last night. So, I guess it’s a blessing in disguise.
I’m trying to align another goal with my 100 day sobriety challenge – starting today, I’m going to try to NOT yell at my son. I will continue to discipline, but the yelling just doesn’t work. In fact, the only person that gets worked up by it is me. And I’m sure it also annoys my husband. But so far this evening, I’ve been very patient, and have not raised my voice, despite the fact that I feel like death warmed over.
On a related note, part of this whole not yelling and not drinking thing is my desire to simply slow down and enjoy the little things in life. At one point this evening, I was feeling pretty good, so my son and I went outside, in the pouring rain, and splashed in the mud puddles. Can you believe that he will be five in December, and we had NEVER splashed in the puddles together? What kind of mom was I?? It was such a fun and beautiful moment, and when he looked up at the sky, as the raindrops fell, and told me to stick out my tongue and catch the rain…well…I know for sure that I would have never done that before I got sober. I just would not have been bothered to go outside, to leave my beloved wine in order to experience such pure and innocent joy.
Every sober day truly is a gift. Even if you are pooping your brains out 😉
Today is day 36, and as of late I’m finding it quite easy to string the days together. Surprisingly, the physical pull of Wolfie just hasn’t been bothering me too much lately. So of course, I think I can do this and that I don’t have to keep my guard up, right? Wrong.
Last night, I dreamt that I got completely shitfaced. And in my dream, I woke up absolutely HORRIFIED that I drank and threw away my 30-some-odd days. I was SO glad to wake up this morning knowing that it was only a bad dream.
So what does this mean? Obviously, I dreamt that I was drinking – somewhere inside I must still want that, even though I’m firmly entrenched in pink cloudedness right now, right? So, maybe that’s a sign that I need to keep my guard up?
Aside from that, I’m now reading “Drinking: A Love Story.” I can relate so much to what the author has to say about how us alcoholics use booze to self medicate and to become more interesting, witty, and fun. I’m really having a hard time finding the “Fun Jess” without wine. I know that I will slowly emerge from my shell, but right now I kind of feel like a dud. Sigh.
Today is 30 days for me – the last time I went this long, I was pregnant. AND – I drank a little wine during my pregancy, so it probably wasn’t much longer than 30 days. Here’s what I did to celebrate this milestone:
I volunteered at a triathlon and saw my good friend place second in the women’s swim leg. SO awesome!
I went to the store and bought myself a new workout outfit and some pretty nail polish. I also bought my son a toy.
I played “Ninja Turtles” with my son when we got home from the store. Fun!
My cousin, mother, and her boyfriend came over for a nice sober dinner.
I caught up on my blog, and am currently cuddling with a freshly bathed four year old.
Life IS good!! I’m not saying that it isn’t hard, but the benefits of sobriety so outweigh the very short term benefits of getting plastered. I can’t believe that I’m actually doing this. Wow.
Tomorrow, I will have passed the 30 day mark. I told my hubby that I would be buying myself some new workout clothing to celebrate. I’m not exactly doing cartwheels, I guess because it hasn’t been too terribly difficult, aside from the few false starts that I had in the beginning. I feel like I’m just SO sick and tired of the cycle of drunkenness, shame, resolve, and broken promises. This time, I’m doing this. I’m doing it for me and I’m doing it for my family. I’m tired of the person that I was, and I mourn my 20s and much of my 30s where I basically wasted time on the fucking bottle. Yes, I was on vacation this past week, and when everyone was drinking, I was tempted. But not tempted enough to throw away the four weeks of dedication and perseverence that I have accumulated.
One of my big problems in my marriage is that my husband is an alcoholic; or at the very least, a problem drinker. He drinks every day. I never see him drunk, but he drinks every.single.day. On the weekends, he will start at noon and have several drinks throughout the day. A few years ago, he had a cancer scare, and they did a complete battery of tests and discovered that he has a fatty liver. Well, I’ve tried and tried to get him to understand the severity of this, but he has never really taken me seriously.
Our vacation only served to highlight the sheer amount of alcohol that he drinks. I drank nothing at all (because, hell yes, I’m sober!) but he started drinking around noon every day. There was one night when he and one of our friends sat by the bonfire and drank three bottles of wine. Of course, that’s after he drank all day – and when I say he drank all day, I mean that he had quite a few drinks but never drank them quickly as I would and never became a mess – until after those three bottles of wine at the bonfire. Well, last night, after we returned from vacation, I told him that we needed to talk. Our marriage has been on the rocks lately; seems like we are roommates more than partners, and part of the problem is that we don’t have a physical relationship anymore. I know he misses that. Heck, I miss that. But especially now that I’m sober, when he rolls into bed (usually after me because he likes to stay up and watch a few shows while I like to read in bed), he reeks of booze. This is NOT attractive to me, and hasn’t been for years. Last night, I told him all of this. How concerned I was for his health – he is 11 years older than me, and I want him around to see his son grow up, how I think his boozing is affecting our marriage, and how I don’t want our son to grow up thinking that drinking every day is normal. I didn’t ask him to stop, because I don’t think that’s fair. But I did ask him to cut it down.
Yesterday, he didn’t drink at all. I hope that he can keep it up. Because being sober and being married to a boozer is NOT easy.
Well, today is day 23, and I completed my first triathlon! Let me tell you – THAT felt so much better than any glass of wine ever has! While I was finishing up what felt like the never ending run from hell, I heard a few ladies behind me talking about what kind of cocktail they would have when they got home. I was thinking to myself “jeez, an iced green tea would kick ass right about now.” fuck you, Wolfie!
I finished my tri in 1hour, 51 minutes and 48 seconds – to be precise. And I finished the bike course in under an hour. Woo hoo! I signed up to volunteer at a triathlon next weekend, and honestly as much training as this took, and as much as I bitched about it, I can’t wait to do it again!