29 days

Tomorrow, I will have passed the 30 day mark. I told my hubby that I would be buying myself some new workout clothing to celebrate. I’m not exactly doing cartwheels, I guess because it hasn’t been too terribly difficult, aside from the few false starts that I had in the beginning. I feel like I’m just SO sick and tired of the cycle of drunkenness, shame, resolve, and broken promises. This time, I’m doing this. I’m doing it for me and I’m doing it for my family. I’m tired of the person that I was, and I mourn my 20s and much of my 30s where I basically wasted time on the fucking bottle. Yes, I was on vacation this past week, and when everyone was drinking, I was tempted. But not tempted enough to throw away the four weeks of dedication and perseverence that I have accumulated.

One of my big problems in my marriage is that my husband is an alcoholic; or at the very least, a problem drinker. He drinks every day. I never see him drunk, but he drinks every.single.day. On the weekends, he will start at noon and have several drinks throughout the day. A few years ago, he had a cancer scare, and they did a complete battery of tests and discovered that he has a fatty liver. Well, I’ve tried and tried to get him to understand the severity of this, but he has never really taken me seriously.

Our vacation only served to highlight the sheer amount of alcohol that he drinks. I drank nothing at all (because, hell yes, I’m sober!) but he started drinking around noon every day. There was one night when he and one of our friends sat by the bonfire and drank three bottles of wine. Of course, that’s after he drank all day – and when I say he drank all day, I mean that he had quite a few drinks but never drank them quickly as I would and never became a mess – until after those three bottles of wine at the bonfire. Well, last night, after we returned from vacation, I told him that we needed to talk. Our marriage has been on the rocks lately; seems like we are roommates more than partners, and part of the problem is that we don’t have a physical relationship anymore. I know he misses that. Heck, I miss that. But especially now that I’m sober, when he rolls into bed (usually after me because he likes to stay up and watch a few shows while I like to read in bed), he reeks of booze. This is NOT attractive to me, and hasn’t been for years. Last night, I told him all of this. How concerned I was for his health – he is 11 years older than me, and I want him around to see his son grow up, how I think his boozing is affecting our marriage, and how I don’t want our son to grow up thinking that drinking every day is normal. I didn’t ask him to stop, because I don’t think that’s fair. But I did ask him to cut it down.

Yesterday, he didn’t drink at all. I hope that he can keep it up. Because being sober and being married to a boozer is NOT easy.

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10 thoughts on “29 days

  1. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like me, or any other alcoholic. Ugh. Saints, there are out there, I tell you. And co-dependents too…lol. First of all, congrats on your sobriety time – that’s fantastic! As far as hubby, he’s on his own path, and there isn’t anything you can say that will *make* him stop, just like there isn’t anything that someone could have said to make you stop. It has to come from deep within. Those of us who stop to get the heat off our back, usually go back to drinking at some point.

    I don’t know where you stand on 12-step programs, but Alanon is for those who love alcoholics. It’s basically about detaching with love, where we care about the alcoholic, but we don’t care *for* them. It’s about keeping your path separate from his, about not having your life revolve around the alcoholics, about engaging when he/she is drunk, etc. I am not an Alanon person, but I have read a bit of their stuff. It’s just really about realizing we can’t change other people’s behaviours and reactions, but we can change ours. It won’t stop your hubby from drinking, but it will keep your own sanity and let you continue on your journey and living life not tethered to the whims and actions of the alcoholic.

    Anyway, forgive if this sounds a bit hard or preachy – not meant to be. Like I said, I don’t have the experience of being married to an alcoholic. It must be very difficult, to say the least, especially when you are stopping yourself.

    i think you are doing a wonderful job.

    Keep it up.

    Blessings,
    Paul

    • Hi Paul – your suggestion for Al-Anon is one that has crossed my mind at times, and it probably isn’t a bad idea. I think that you bring up an excellent point that I can’t force him to change, which I do realize, but that I need to find my own path. For some silly reason, I almost feel guilty that I feel like I’m “evolving” while he remains stagnant. Almost like I gave him the old bait and switch – he married a fun, crazy party girl six years ago, and now, here I am, getting sober and healthy – totally not what he signed up for.

      Thanks for your kind words – they really do mean so much to me! I don’t have a ton of support in real life – my blogging friends have become my sobriety safety net. Your encouragement gives me the gumption to keep on going.

  2. My Mr. drinks every day, too. He does get wasted many times, though not always. Yes, this is part of why I have such a hard time staying sober. This morning I said, “How about we both stop drinking?” and he replied, “You do what you want.” *sigh*

  3. First… Congrats on (almost) 30 days!!!

    Second… It’s doubly hard to stop drinking while our partners still actively drink, alchoholically or not. I think you’re handling it as well as you can. Just try to pick times when he’s sober to talk. And no confrontation when he’s not sober, just keep your cool and know it’s the booze, it’s not him.

    A good book to check out is “Why Won’t They Just Quit?”:
    http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1481106694/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?qid=1376164027&sr=8-4&pi=AC_SX110_SY190

    And third… Find OctoberONine on my blogroll and go say hi. She’s a recovering alcoholic, and a mom, and is married to an active (I think) alcoholic. Go through her archives and you’ll find some awesome stuff. Plus she is so sweet and friendly.

    You’ve come so far! I’m proud of you!
    Christy

    • Christy, thanks as always for your comment – you always seem to have something to add that really helps me out:) I am definitely going to check out both the blogger you suggested and the book. While hubby was great this weekend, I do know that I can’t force him to change or expect him to if he doesn’t want to. It’s just so hard to imagine spending the rest of my life married to a heavy boozer.

      You have no idea how much it means to me that you said you’re proud of me for how far I’ve come. Thank you for that!!

      • You’re so welcome! Glad to read you and he had a good weekend together. Leading by example is awesome.

        I don’t post a ton of sober stuff anymore, so it’s nice to be able to support and cheer for others. 🙂 you’re always welcome to email me too if you need.

        Ps– nailed my 15 today (finally!). Yay!

      • 15 miles!? Girl, you are a rock star! Big congrats to you!

  4. This is like reading my own story… I am learning so much about myself thru this process, and about my marriage.. you cannot fix anyone but yourself.. and look at you! you did this.. I am in a very very similar situation.. and talking to him is like talking to a hole in the wall.. It feels like my wounds are re open when he hits the bed smelling like a liquor store.. it hurts.. Shit they have to know that their drinking and us not is a big deal… I hope that things keep looking up for you..

    • Thanks for your response – it certainly helps to know that someone else is struggling with this issue as well. I am really proud of my hubby because he didn’t drink at all on Friday, had two beers when we went out with my sister and her fiance on Saturday, and was completely sober today. I didn’t ask him to stop drinking (that isn’t fair – it needs to come from him), but I did ask him to consider the fact that he has a four year old son, and I want him to be around and present for him. He seemed to really respond to that, and we’ve had one of the nicest weekends that I can recall in quite a long time. But, that being said, this may be the fifth or sixth time we’ve had this conversation since my son was born. I don’t know if the fact that I’m sober made it easier for him to cut back this weekend, or if he’s just feeling a fleeting bit of guilt and will go back to his old ways soon. But I’ll take this weekend. And hope that we can stack many more sober days up on top of it.

      My heart goes out to you for having to deal with this – it is just so fucking hard. I agree with you – the smell of your spouse after hours of boozing is absolutely appalling. Definitely doesn’t make me want to be intimate in the least…

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