Day 75

I can’t believe I’m already three quarters of the way through the 100 day challenge. Honestly, I almost feel guilty that it has been as easy as it’s been for me – especially after the first few troublesome weeks. I really and truly feel like over the past six months or so, I’ve just been SO ready to walk away from the ridiculousness that once I finally decided to do it, nothing could stop me.

I’d totally be lying if I said that I don’t have pangs of longing for my dear friend chardonnay anymore. Of course I do! I love the feel of those first couple of sips – warm, glowing, happy. But somewhere along the way, it turns into a complete shit show where I’m swigging back three, four, five, six glasses – getting sloppy – getting overly emotional – and making bad decisions. Seriously, my off switch is busted. So I have to walk away from the booze.

Tomorrow is kind of a big deal for me. At work, we have an annual vendor show for our customers, and tomorrow is the show. It’s my biggest project of the year – I start the planning in the spring for this thing, and we have over 50 vendors coming in, setting up their displays, and hopefully selling a ton of product to our customers. I’m excited, nervous, and busy as hell. The show always culminates with everyone hitting the bar after a successful event, and basically getting plastered. This will be interesting, as I’m always in the center of the celebration, as this is MY event. Not too many people at work know that I’m no longer drinking, so I’m sure there will be a ton of explaining to do. And I’m trying to figure out what I should say. Part of me wants to just tell everyone “Hey, you all have seen me at my worst – obviously, alcohol is NOT a toy for me.” And then another part of me wants to just disappear and not have to deal with it. I guess I’ll just see how it goes.

Sometimes people just don’t want to understand

Today I decided to take a half day. It’s a balmy 77 degrees and sunny, and next week is hell week for me at work (I have a huge marketing conference next Friday night that is basically MY project – I plan from June to September every year for this thing). I decided I needed a couple hours of ME time. I decided to meet my mom for a little shopping and lunch. We went to this adorable little gift shop that I’ve never been to before, but always wanted to check out. As with most gift shops, there were quite a few wine related gifts. My mom pointed out EVERY.SINGLE.ONE of them to me. I know she isn’t trying to ignore the fact that I’m sober, but I really think she either doesn’t want to understand or that she simply FORGETS that I’m no longer a wine drinker. I’ve been one for so long, and wine has been such a theme around my house that I’m really hoping she just keeps forgetting that the NEW me doesn’t drink wine.

The topic of my (not) drinking has come up several times with family and friends, and most of them think I’m making mountains out of molehills. They simply do NOT WANT to understand that even if THEY don’t think I have a problem with alcohol, that I do in fact have a problem if I FEEL that it’s a problem. I know I’ve outlined some of the horrible stuff I’ve done while drunk, so I won’t outline it again to justify my decision. But seriously, even if I tapered off and wasn’t drinking my face off every single day, I definitely have a problem when I DO drink. And who the hell has the business to tell me that I’m being too sensitive, or too hard on myself, or too dramatic?? The fact of the matter is that I feel amazing, I look amazing (compared to my drunken unhealthy self), and I feel like I’m finally living the version of my life that I should be living. Why, then, are people so put off by this?

On a separate note, I’ve been carb cycling – and I’ve lost five pounds this week!! It seems to me to be only a short term diet – there is no way in hell I can live on protein and vegetables alone for two to three days in a row before I get some healthy carbs and fruit in my diet, but it certainly works to drop weight quickly. My hubby and I get measured a week from Monday for our body fat challenge, and I also want to be nice and svelte for my marketing conference next Friday night, so this diet has done the trick. I guess it’s common in bodybuilders who are trying to shed body fat quickly. All I know is that on October 1st (the day after our weigh in), I’m having me a big ass apple fritter! Anyhoo, I’m off to run a few miles before getting my little boy from school. Today is day 70, and I’m loving it!!

Sunday Funday

Today was Sunday Funday at my sister’s house. And I was the only sober one, aside from my son. Hubby only had a handful of beers, and it didn’t get totally out of control, but everyone was buzzy and drinky and silly. I can honestly say that today, I didn’t miss it. My sister’s fiance smoked some ribs and chicken, and we ate way too much. My boy and I brought a big bin of Legos and we played and played and played. Had to leave around 6pm to pick my mother up from the airport – she was returning from a trip to Norway with a bunch of ladies that she regularly hangs out with. So it was fun to bring my son to the airport to watch the planes as we waited for Mimi to get off the plane.

Speaking of Mimi – I did confront her about her behavior on Labor Day. She even emailed my father and apologized for her ridiculous behavior, and while she said that she probably just shouldn’t drink wine, she has not acknowledged that she might have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I guess that she will have to come to that realization herself. I can’t push the issue – hell, I’m only now beginning to address my own issues.

I’m sitting at 65 days today, and I’m starting to realize that I’m substituting food for booze, and I’ve gained a few pounds. I’ve also not been working out as much as I should be. I really have been trying to focus more on my family, which is a good thing, but I’m starting to really feel shitty about myself (despite my sobriety). I’ve usually been able to juggle it all, but lately, I’m struggling to keep all of the balls in the air. I’m not even thinking about drinking, but I guess I just feel exhausted, mentally. Maybe it’s from finally having to face life without the crutch?

Tomorrow is 60 days!

Wow – two months have literally flown by – I guess that’s what happens when you’re getting sober at the same time you are planning a huge event for work, getting the little one ready for school, working out, and all the other mundane things that happen in the course of the day, week, month.  Yes, there have been times that I truly would have enjoyed a glass of wine, but due to the fact that I had several false starts as I attempted to get sober, I just can’t seem to throw away the days that I’ve strung together.  And, who the hell am I kidding?  ONE glass of wine?  Yeah, sure.  Like that would happen. 

Honestly, I’m feeling a bit bulletproof these days, and I don’t necessarily find that to be healthy, but I really do feel like nothing can stand in the way of my sobriety.  Dangerous?  Hell yes.  Normal??  Not sure.  I’ve never gone this long!  All I know is that I feel great.  Better than great.  I’m actually waiting for the pink clouds to dissipate and for real life to come raining down on me, and I hope that I have enough sense to realize that that will be a part of the process, and that I can handle it when it does happen.  Until then, I will continue to bask in the glow of a new and healthy way of life.  It’s good! 

What a day

Today we entertained. My aunt and uncle were in town; haven’t seen them since Christmas, and what was going to be a nice small get together turned int 20+ people at my house. No biggie. I’ve been sober for 52 days, I can handle this! But I made the mistake of inviting my father and his wife, along with my mother and her boyfriend. My parents are both wonderful people, but my mother holds a 15 year old grudge, and frankly, it’s getting old. My father left my mom for his now-wife, and my mom has been dating her boyfriend for over ten years. My aunt, who came in town, is my dad’s sister, but she has always been close to my mom – even after my parents’ divorce. My mother is the one who suggested that we all get together at the same time, as opposed to me having two different functions in order for everyone to see each other. Okay, cool. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Wrong.

I’m sober, my dad is sober, his wife is sober. My mom starts hammering down the wine, and before I know it, she is calling my dad’s wife a c*nt loud enough for everyone to hear her. Then she became all emotional when I calmly suggested that she stop drinking and have some water. I specifically told her to NOT “do this” (act like an ass) in front of dad’s wife, because it would make her look foolish and I know she wouldn’t want that. Well, too late. She made my dad feel uncomfortable, and likely upset his wife; not to mention how much she embarassed me in front of mixed company. More and more, she is self medicating with wine. It scares me, and frankly, it upsets me that she gets like this in front of my son. I know – hello pot, meet kettle. But I got sober so that my son doesn’t need to see that shit. And now that I have clarity and perspective, I want to keep him from seeing that kind of crap for as long as I can.

I’m so glad that I’m sober. SO glad.