Well, I did it! I spent a weekend in Las Vegas and I didn’t drink. In fact, I was surprised at how little the desire to drink plagued me while there. I really worried about it when Wolfie kept whispering in my ear the days leading up to my trip, but once there, I strengthened my resolve and kicked Wolfie’s ass out. Of course, it helped that I read two sober memoirs on the plane (Saturation, by Jennifer Place and Parched, by Heather King). Wow – while my addiction to alcohol never spiraled out of control like the two aforementioned authors’ addictions did, both books taught me the very important lesson that alcoholism is progressive. I was both riveted and horrified by the stories that these women told of their addictions to alcohol.
What an interesting perspective, being sober in Vegas, which is the equivalent of the adult Disney World. On more than one occasion, I was the recipient of a sideways glance when ordering iced tea, instead of something boozy. Our first night in Vegas, we stopped off at a little bar/restaurant to grab something snacky, and I was thrilled to see a few mocktails on the menu. I ordered a cucumber/club soda/ginger concoction that was delicious; however, I quickly discovered that mocktails are the exception in Vegas, not the rule. When on Fremont Street, I asked a bartender for a diet soda (which I never drink, but they didn’t have my beloved iced tea, so I had to compromise), and he looked at me as if I sprouted a unicorn horn and said, just soda, no alcohol?? Yes, just soda! Jeez!
So my hubby went with me, this was a work function, but he was invited to go. I thought it would be a good way for us to try to reconnect. We had a nice time, but really, I need to fix the crap that is rolling around in my head. I don’t know why I’m so closed off from him, and why I struggle to communicate with him, and why I can’t be emotionally intimate with him. I even got pissed off at him when he touched my leg one day on the plane. I just bury everything, and it is having a profound effect on our marriage. I want to fix myself, I really do. I have so many issues related to self esteem that I am a mess, and all of this is really coming to light in my early sobriety. My goal is to contact a therapist this week and to start doing some dirty work. I need to get to the bottom of why I require so much outside validation of my worth and why I run from emotional intimacy.
Another issue I’m facing is my addiction to food. I have basically substituted one addiction for another at this point, and my eating has become very emotional. I’ve probably gained 8 pounds since getting sober, and it’s just ridiculous that I work my ass off at the gym but sabotage all of my efforts with diet. I eat because I can, and I eat because there is something inside of me that always needs MORE. I need to find out what that is all about.
Today, my husband and I have taken the day off since we didn’t get in from Las Vegas until midnight. I want to do things like clean my house, go to the gym, do some grocery shopping, etc. But I also want to have an honest and thoughtful conversation with him about my issues and my need for therapy. I’m nervous – I don’t open up to him emotionally very much anymore, but I need to start somewhere and I need to try to fix myself. Seems like, for me, getting sober was the easy part. Fixing me is going to be the tough part.
Here’s something we came across on Fremont Street – these guys are called “Bridge” and they play electric cellos. They were really quite good. I wonder if I would have appreciated this if I was drunk?