I drank today

I had two glasses of wine this evening. And I refuse to beat myself up about it.

I had been thinking for a few days now that I would really like a glass of wine. My family was over for dinner and I debated long and hard about it. Even my hubby asked if I was sure that I wanted it, and he asked if I was going to feel guilty in the morning. I told him that I wasn’t sure about the guilty feelings, but that I wanted to try the wine. So I did.

I won’t lie – it was good. La Crema Chardonnay. I had two glasses that I nursed. I was buzzed but I didn’t get drunk. I really thought I would have enjoyed it more than I did. But I guess I realize now that, for me, sober is my thing. Sober is the new black. Being in control of myself and conducting myself with a modicum of self respect is way more desirable than that buzzy, silly feeling.

So, after my second glass, I poured myself an iced tea, cuddled up with my son on the couch and played a silly whisper game with him. And I fully realized that I have no desire to drink.

I was four months sober. I will not beat myself up that I drank today. I will not count days anymore. I will just continue on this journey and chalk today up as a learning experience, and a valuable one at that!

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25 thoughts on “I drank today

  1. Interesting experience for you! And you stopped at two glasses. I am so glad you are not beating yourself up over this. I am not yet at one full month, yet I know I will drink wine again. Not often, not much. But I will. None for the duration of this first 100 days where I learn the routines and rewards of no drinking. And probably not very often after that. And I WILL continue to count. I’m thinking like this. Say I have 105 days with no alcohol, then chose to drink one evening, and then do another 45 days with no alcohol. I shall tabulate it for myself like this. 105 (1) 45 = 150 days without alcohol.

    • I like your counting strategy. Maybe I will use that too:-). I am surprised that I don’t feel guilt today but maybe because my mind frame was not one of a alcoholic drinker (as I always was before). I really feel more sure than ever that alcohol just isn’t for me. Been there, done that, damaged relationships and bad reputation to prove it. No need for any of that drama anymore!

    • I am sorry but I find it so interesting, sad, and difficult as someone 3 years sober, to read seed kind of rationalization, “tabulation,” what have you. As someone who did that years ago, I know that game. It’s the addictive voice at work, and it’s not really a strategy that works. It’s an addiction desperately trying to hold on to the addictive substance. If alcohol isn’t for you then don’t drink it. “Not often, not much” is a promise you will wind up breaking if you keep drinking when you have a problem with alcohol. Been there, done, that, have the t-shirt. My unsolicited (and most likely unwanted) advice is to stop drinking alcohol.

  2. Self test.. You have a great attitude, and are so honest.. Xo

    • Thanks, hon. I really almost texted you before I drank, but I almost wanted to have the experience to see how I would respond, mentally and physiologically. Probably a dangerous thing to do, to test myself, and I am not sure why I really felt I needed to do it, but I was really so happy that I found I didn’t miss it. Hope you’re doing well, my friend!

  3. Sometimes we need an experiment. Now you know what you want to be, Sober Jessie all the time. No need to beat yourself up. Thanks for sharing. Xoxo

  4. Thanks for sharing this, it’s so important for us to see the slips are not failures, they are learning blocks on which we can grow and flourish and find the way that is right for us. I am glad it has become clearer for you! Hugs!

  5. Totally agree Jess, what’s done is done. Sorry it wasn’t as good as you’d hope it would be–but I’m also not sorry, if that makes any sense.

    I’m kind of on hiatus, but have you met CS Missy yet? She blogs at balancing this life of mine — I think your stories will click. http://balancingthislifeofmine.wordpress.com/

  6. I’ve been doing the same thing…I call it dabbling. I had a sample size glass of wine at a winery last weekend. No triggers to down the bottle – yay! I had a glass of champagne at a wedding yesterday. No triggers to down that bottle – yay! No urges to drink excessively, just trying to enjoy a little bit here & there and not beating myself about it. I do know that if the dabbling becomes an every weekend thing, a little more here, there, mixed with guilt/remorse/shame, etc. then I need to get my ass back to protecting my sobriety!

    • I feel like I could probably have a glass here or there, but I am still somewhat afraid to try it. When life gets stressful or when I get overly anxious, I would lean on the bottle. I’m afraid that if I open the door and I have a shit sandwich of a day, I might just let Wolfie in and he might not want to leave. I feel like I was lucky with my “test,” since having wine didn’t blow my skirt up, but I fear that I might not be that lucky next time. Thank you for sharing your experiment in moderation – I hope you continue to share!

  7. Hi Just found you and love this. I love your honesty about this. I went 7 months without drinking then had one little celebratory drink and thought “it” was all over and could not face the blogosphere and gave that up too. In retrospect it seems so stupid to have made such a big deal. Yes I prefer not to drink. But can I say I will never drink again? No. But if/when I do I don’t want it to be the trigger to give all this up. Great to find you!

  8. Glad you’re back šŸ™‚

  9. My opinion is that you are playing with fire. You didn’t get burned, yet, and think it’s ok to dabble? Listen up at meetings and hear, really hear what happens to those of us who dabble. This is your life we are discussing here! Keep dabbling and risk your life, someone else’s life or find the consequences just too much to bare because of dabbling? Sure sounds like alcoholic thinking to me. Trasa

  10. Wow. Did I say that I think it’s ok to dabble? No. I said I wasn’t going to beat myself up. Guilt is a pointless emotion. I drank and I didn’t like it. I believe my message was that I slipped and learned from it. I wasn’t making excuses. I found it refreshing that I was basically bored by the whole thing.

    • You didn’t slip, you chose to drink. Not a critizism or judgement, just an observation on my part. Looks like you are setting yourself up for a future relapse, but then again, this is just my perception based on countless stories I’ve heard in the meetings of AA. Before we pick up a drink, we are told to play that tape forward. Maybe your not done yet? I don’t believe you should beat yourself up either, I really don’t but I don’t sugar coat the consequences of picking up a drink for alcoholics either.Not only do we have to live with the consequences of our drinking but our families do too.My response is not as soft and friendly as the others but then again, I’ve see and heard these stories end badly too many times.I sincerely hope you prove me wrong..Trasa

      • It takes what it takes, Trasa.

        And FYI, Jessie didn’t use the term “dabble”, another commenter did.

        I applaud Jess for her rigorous honesty and for putting herself out there in the hopes of helping herself and others. All of us are only, hopefully, given a daily reprieve. Any of us could slip on any day. That’s between her, her sponsor and her Higher Power. She doesn’t have to prove herself right or wrong to anyone. She doesn’t even have to share her story with us, but she is choosing to, and I appreciate that.

        -christy

      • Christy – hugs to you! I guess the reason I wanted to put it out there is because I hear so many of us who either slip or choose to drink again, and we beat ourselves up. In my opinion, it isn’t productive. I’d rather see people brush themselves off and continue on their sober journey, instead of throwing in the towel because they slipped once. I’ve stopped counting days per se, but I know that since July 14th, I’ve only had one day where I’ve consumed alcohol. That’s a heck of a lot better than I’ve ever done!

  11. Thanks for your response, Christy, but I did know where the dabbling response came from. Like I said, SoberJessie did not slip, in her words,she debated long and hard about it and made a choice. She has a perfect right to her choices. While most commented about her honesty, which is always commendable, no one mentioned how dangerous this is. I’ve seen the end result of this thinking too many times but each of us have our own journeys and bottoms to reach. She chose to put this out there for all to see, then I have a right to my response too. Stay safe and sober……….Trasa

    • Trasa, I appreciate your opinion. I feel very firmly rooted in my sobriety right now, and have had many opportunities to indulge again, but I haven’t. That being said, I have never been to AA. I’ve just been doing this on my own. I am considering attending a meeting, though. While I don’t have the desire to drink right now (not to say that desire can’t come back with a vengeance), I do want to have a sober network, and tools to continue to evolve as a human being that no longer relies on a crutch to face life head on.

    • Hi Trasa, you bring up some good points, and I don’t disagree. And yes, of course you have a right to your response, I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. Jessie is my friend, and sometimes I get defensive of my friends. Most people know when they screw up–they don’t need us to remind them–and I find most people respond more favorably with positive feedback than harsh criticism; better to build someone up than knock them back down.

      Tough love is important too though, and has its place, as does blunt honesty, so like I said, I don’t disagree with you, we just approach it differently.

      Thanks for the courteous response, I hope you stay safe and sober too, especially during this holiday season. Respect, Christy

  12. Good for you Jessie, I wish you well. I hope your journey surprises you more miracles than you thought could be possible. …….Trasa

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