I’ve been MIA

Here’s something I posted earlier in a group that I’m part of, and I wanted to share with everyone here as I’ve been missing in action, and I feel bad that a few of you have reached out and I’ve been quiet. Here it is:

I want to preface what I’m about to post by saying that I am incredibly proud and happy for everyone celebrating such wonderful milestones. In no way do I want to sound like a party pooper or a Debbie Downer, but I’m just speaking from my experience, and I want to share in hopes that maybe I can help in some small way. I relapsed at 120 days. I thought myself a badass when I crossed the 30 day, then the 60 day, then the 90 day marks. When I hit 100 days, I emailed my friend Belle that I learned so much about being sober, that being sober was the new big thing in my life, etc etc. I felt like I had it conquered. No big deal. Well, big deal, but you know what I mean.

Then, that little voice, Wolfie, started to convince me that maybe I don’t have a drinking problem. Of course, wouldn’t it be nice to have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving dinner? And, I did. I had two glasses, enjoyed a nice glow, but didn’t get ridiculous. OK! I’ve got this. I can moderate. After all, I just proved to myself that I can go without for long periods of time. Yeah baby!! So, every now and then, I’d have a couple of glasses of wine on a celebratory occasion. New Year’s Eve, I only had two glasses. Yeah, I can do this! My mom’s birthday was on January 7th, and we spent the day at the spa together. When the aesthetician found out that we were there celebrating her birthday, she brought us champagne. I couldn’t turn it down – it was my mom’s birthday.

From that moment, I began to drink almost daily. Not quite, but almost. I found myself falling back into my old habits. I found myself using booze to escape the daily stress of working a 50+ hour a week job, raising a very spirited 5 year old, obsessing over my weight/fitness, and trying to fix a marriage that I had all but destroyed from my drinking and the actions I committed when drunk. Finally, last Friday, I did it. I drank WAY past moderation, got shitfaced, cried, acted like an idiot, and drove drunk. I woke up Saturday morning just disgusted with myself. All of my progress that I had made in 2013 just came crashing down. And it’s because I was cocky. I thought that I didn’t really need help, that I didn’t really have a huge issue. But you know what? I DO have a big issue with alcohol. I hope that those of you who are celebrating these beautiful, wonderful milestones don’t do what I’ve done. You are brave, beautiful sober people, and you don’t need booze EVER AGAIN. Life is so much better sober.

I’m Jessica, and I’m an alcoholic.