I’ve been MIA

Here’s something I posted earlier in a group that I’m part of, and I wanted to share with everyone here as I’ve been missing in action, and I feel bad that a few of you have reached out and I’ve been quiet. Here it is:

I want to preface what I’m about to post by saying that I am incredibly proud and happy for everyone celebrating such wonderful milestones. In no way do I want to sound like a party pooper or a Debbie Downer, but I’m just speaking from my experience, and I want to share in hopes that maybe I can help in some small way. I relapsed at 120 days. I thought myself a badass when I crossed the 30 day, then the 60 day, then the 90 day marks. When I hit 100 days, I emailed my friend Belle that I learned so much about being sober, that being sober was the new big thing in my life, etc etc. I felt like I had it conquered. No big deal. Well, big deal, but you know what I mean.

Then, that little voice, Wolfie, started to convince me that maybe I don’t have a drinking problem. Of course, wouldn’t it be nice to have a glass of wine at Thanksgiving dinner? And, I did. I had two glasses, enjoyed a nice glow, but didn’t get ridiculous. OK! I’ve got this. I can moderate. After all, I just proved to myself that I can go without for long periods of time. Yeah baby!! So, every now and then, I’d have a couple of glasses of wine on a celebratory occasion. New Year’s Eve, I only had two glasses. Yeah, I can do this! My mom’s birthday was on January 7th, and we spent the day at the spa together. When the aesthetician found out that we were there celebrating her birthday, she brought us champagne. I couldn’t turn it down – it was my mom’s birthday.

From that moment, I began to drink almost daily. Not quite, but almost. I found myself falling back into my old habits. I found myself using booze to escape the daily stress of working a 50+ hour a week job, raising a very spirited 5 year old, obsessing over my weight/fitness, and trying to fix a marriage that I had all but destroyed from my drinking and the actions I committed when drunk. Finally, last Friday, I did it. I drank WAY past moderation, got shitfaced, cried, acted like an idiot, and drove drunk. I woke up Saturday morning just disgusted with myself. All of my progress that I had made in 2013 just came crashing down. And it’s because I was cocky. I thought that I didn’t really need help, that I didn’t really have a huge issue. But you know what? I DO have a big issue with alcohol. I hope that those of you who are celebrating these beautiful, wonderful milestones don’t do what I’ve done. You are brave, beautiful sober people, and you don’t need booze EVER AGAIN. Life is so much better sober.

I’m Jessica, and I’m an alcoholic.

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20 thoughts on “I’ve been MIA

  1. Thank you! This is a very brave post and oh so important! You are not alone. I struggled for 4 years, getting up to 9 months once! This disease is powerful. It is progressive disease, so it doesn’t get weaker it gets stronger! But don’t ever lose hope! Sobriety is attainable. I am going on 6 years now. Hang I. And keep trying. Thank you again. Hugs.

  2. Jessie, I’m really sorry you had such a tough time. I hope you’re starting to feel better now. But I’m glad you have the guts to tell about it. I wanted to say hi because I did something pretty darn similar: 100 days, woo hoo I had that silly booze problem licked, go me, then after while I decided to have a glass here and there no problem, until I started drinking way too much way too often all over again. Oops. Big problem after all. I’ve quit again now, and one benefit I can see in it is that, like you, I can now admit I’m an alcoholic, which I was not able to do before. And I understand I have to do a whole lot of things besides just not drink. I think you haven’t lost all you had, because you can get back to being sober and you already know how much better it is. Anyway, hooray for you for deciding to turn it around now! Take care. T/xo

  3. Big giant huge squeezy hugs to you and so glad you shared. If you’ve read my blog at all you’ll know I’m the queen of the relapse, including recently, but it doesn’t take away from what you’ve learnt during those periods sober. It really doesn’t. And it will help you if you decide (have decided) to get back on the sober wagon. Next time you’ll know the moderation promise is a lie and that you felt so much better sober. These days I have no delusions that I can quit. For me right now it’s wrestling with finding sufficient motivation to quit long term again but it sounds like for you this recent experience actually helped solidify that. In the end, that might be a good thing. Meanwhile, keep beating up of self to a minimum and focus on getting back to that good place you were in. xoxo

  4. I meant ‘no delusions I can MODERATE’. I hope that wasn’t a Freudian slip!

  5. Yup, been there. So tempting to try and drink just a little. Now, seriously working on sober.

  6. Glad you’re back Jessica.

  7. Pingback: Pearly Gates | NoMoreSally

  8. You have no idea (or maybe you do) how powerful your story is and how helpful it is to the strangers (like me) who read it. Thank you for being sober and for keeping this blog. Your story is so similar to my own. My friends and family do not understand how much of a problem alcohol is for me. While I’m glad and lucky for my “high bottom,” reading blogs like yours helps keep me certain that sobriety is the right and only decision for me.

    • I’m so glad that my words have been helpful to someone – it’s so good to know that we can help one another out in the sober blogosphere. How are you doing?

  9. Good on you for coming back. You know you can do it and how good it can feel. Cheering for you x

  10. And me as a cheerleader too, welcome home.
    Sharon

  11. Hi Jessica! My name is Cameron and I had a quick question about your blog and was wondering if you could email me when you have a minute? Thanks! I hope to hear from you soon. đŸ™‚

  12. OMG… Sounds just like me. I’ve quit drinking 3 times in the past year about 5 weeks each. This last time I told myself just family Birthdays and Holidays. Then it was dinner out, then my sister was in town and we drank. A lot. So here I am hungover, disgusted. But there’s no time like the present to try again and hopefully I won’t get cocky as you put it, and that’s what it is. I think I got this but I’m learning that every time I think I got it it slips into all those bad habits. I can’t drink, ever! Thanks for that:-)))

  13. Holy cow. I just read this feeling it was all so familiar, then I got to the end, my stomach actually dropped and I gulped out loud! This has had a huge impact on me and I thank you for writing it. I am new to this journey, also blogging to try and make sense of my thoughts and my life to date, writing helps with this I find. 73 days today and still thinking about wine but ‘assuming’ this will go away with more help and time. Thank you for reminding me I need to stay strong always and not let my mind believe anything other than what I already know to be true. I cannot drink ever again. I am struggling with calling myself an alcoholic though. It makes me so prickly and confused! I look forward to reading more of your stories x

    • Thank you so much for your comment! I’ve not been very active on my blog lately, but your response to my post has made me want to start blogging again:)

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