Day One

Well, here I am, for the umpteenth time, at day one.  I just can’t seem to make this sobriety thing stick.  And the sad thing is, I don’t even really enjoy drinking anymore.  I start to believe that a glass of wine would be nice, I go through a ridiculous “should I or shouldn’t I” struggle, I cave, and then I drink.  And really, I’ve been moderating nicely.  But I just don’t like the way I act when I drink and the way I feel the next day, even if it’s only a couple glasses of wine.  I just can’t tolerate it anymore.  But if I don’t like it, why the hell do I keep doing it?? 

I’m away at a business conference, and I drank four glasses of wine last night.  Thank goodness, I had a large dinner and so didn’t get too sloshy, didn’t make an ass of myself or say anything inappropriate.  But I slept like absolute shit.  I slept on and off for about five hours, woke up, ran 3 miles and went to my sales meetings.  At noon, the guys all went golfing, and I was left with a free afternoon before the cocktail reception and dinner this evening, so I drove to the Adirondacks and spent the day in a cute little town having lunch and window shopping.  It was nice.  A little lonely, but nice nonetheless.  This evening, I didn’t drink at our cocktail reception and dinner, but I felt SO socially awkward.  I have a really hard time making small talk, and I feel like a bumbling idiot when I try.  I really wanted just one glass of wine to loosen me up a bit and to fit in.  When the hell does it get easier to mingle without alcohol?



14 thoughts on “Day One

  1. Glad you’re back! Don’t give up! Time takes time. I have no answers, really, but if you give it all you got it will happen, and it will get easier! Hang in. Hugs.

  2. takes a few months to be honest i’d say.. you just have to ‘fake it until you make it’.. and keep a very clear image in mind of the calm sober person you want to be.. you CAN be her! the one thing that does happen usually straight away in sobriety is better sleep.. xx

  3. Sounds tough Soberjessie, but as Mrs D says, you just have to tough it out and wait for it to feel more natural. It helps me to read loads of blogs and literature- there’s a lot out there. And having a fizzy non alcoholic drink somehow feels a bit better than a still one! Keep reminding yourself you don’t even enjoy drinking any more . Meditation helps- sounds a bit hippie dippie I know , but it’s very calming and helps to “reset” your thinking. Try “10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in my Head” by Dan Harris.

  4. I also found that in my final stages of drinking that I was blacking out on far less alcohol than I had previously consumed. I had had the same physical effects even if I did not drink more than a six-pack of beer. I attributed it just to the physical progression of the addiction.

    I appreciate what you say about social awkwardness. It’s hard to do something sober that we have done, even with just a moderate buzz on for years. I have come to enjoy I am able to do those things sober, and actually do them quite a bit better. I will never forget sitting in the detox unit playing Euchre and realizing I had never played cards sober before. What a novel idea!

    Great to see you back

  5. Congratulations on DAY ONE!!! Sobriety isn’t sticky so it might never just stick. It got easier for me after I learned why my mind and body react to alcohol the way they do. I thought I was crazy!

    I’m so glad you’re not giving up!! If you need anything, let us know!

    XO ~ Julie

  6. You are doing it because alcohol is addictive and causes compulsive behaviour.
    Knowing you don’t want to do it is a great thing.
    Socializing becomes easier on e you get past the post drinking anxiety and settle into sobriety as a normal thing. Everything becomes easier. So much easier.

  7. I’m about the same place you are. I hope we both make it. I have really enjoyed reading your blog.

    • Thank you! I’m feeling strong the past couple of days. Actually hosted a pool party and stayed sober and I coordinated the dancing with he little kids:). Running a 15k in the morning – soo glad I don’t have to do that hung over! Let’s buddy up and do this together.

  8. I am at the same point! I have stopped drinking because I blacked out, made an ass out of myself, hurt my friendships and feelings… Then I think well I’ll just have one glass then it spirals! Today is my day 4 and I am hoping to make it to day 8! Then 16, 24, 32, etc!! Keep on keeping on stay sober and lean on who you can for strength! I enjoy your blog it makes me not feel so lonely.

  9. I got caught up with the idea that I needed a drink to make small talk or socialise – and it held me back too. What I found was a strategy to cope with this – and it may sound a bit practiced and forced, but actually committing a script to memory so you have an almost default setting to rely on when you are in the small talk situation.
    I learned it from a motivational speaker who said that it was common for big speakers to have scripts to rely on so they never felt out of their depth and always were able to concentrate on what was really important instead of getting lost. Also, each interaction is basically the same context so you can have a standby generic list of lines.
    Good luck you’re getting there…

    • I actually went to a work dinner Sunday night and was the only one not drinking, and I had an amazing time. I really felt comfortable, though I talked myself up mentally so much before getting there. When I have it in my mind that I’m not drinking, I do just fine, but if I falter at all mentally, that’s when it gets dangerous. Great idea though having a bit of a script. It always helps to be prepared:)

  10. I’m at day one again, again. I need to really focus. I feel exactly the same way I don’t like the way I act when I drink, hate how I feel in the morning and sleep like absolute crap! Why is it so hard to stop? Small talk is a challenge for me too. It is painful I would rather sit alone. Day one again but this time we can do it! We can shut the voices out and enjoy a life of sobriety!

  11. I will be stalking your posts for motivation ;). Your entries are very relatable for me and today is my “Day One yet again”. I found you via Google search for “sober challenge”. I figure since I am on day 18 of the squat/crunch/plank fitness challenge, I would try a going sober one. Not that anyone cares but I have been a heavy drinker for years and cannot seem to get through even one night without downing a bottle of wine. I am a wife, mom, stepmom too and I need to get my shit together. Everything gets done but I have no energy and sleep is not restfull and I’m getting fat as hell lol. Time to cork it.

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