My New Rules for Running (including “I will love my thunder thighs”)

I’m just catching up on some of my favorite blogs, and came across Running on Sober’s brilliant post about running. My first 15 k of 2015 is in early May, so my training starts this weekend. Thank you, Christy, for this wonderful post! So often I compare myself to others who are faster, look more the part, or are generally just more experience than I am. But damn it, I’m out there, and what an a-freaking-mazing feeling it is to be out there, running…

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The little things

Made a healthy dinner tonight for hubby and I
Small talk, how was your day, what happened at work
My son: “Mommy, March is special for 2 reasons: Mommy and Son day at school and your birthday”
Reading bedtime stories
Snuggles with the dogs
Clean face, teeth brushed and flossed
Climbing into bed and remembering it
Reading sober blogs

All because I’m not drinking tonight.

Perspective

So, yesterday, my cousin and went to Target and tried on some bathing suits.  A few years ago, I can easily say that I was in tremendous shape.  I was working with a trainer weekly and had a body fat percentage around 14% (very low for a female).  I wasn’t starving myself (I love food) but was working out hard, following the Paleo diet religiously, and was also going through a tough spot in my marriage (stress is the best fat burner), so it was a perfect storm that I was able to make the most of it and I was a hard body.  Everyone looked at me, after years of NOBODY really looking at me, and honestly, it was nice to feel beautiful.  Since then, I’ve tried to keep in shape, but honestly, I’m a professional working mom to a very busy 6 year old.  Time is not on my side.  Ten pounds have crept on, and they aren’t going ANYWHERE unless I radically change my lifestyle.  I have STRESSED about this for the past three years big time.  I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough.  I’m not good enough.  I know what it was like to be in top shape (which I maintained for about a year), and now, I’m not.  I’m average.

Anyhow, back to my bathing suit Target story.  My cousin, who has just lost 80 pounds – YES! and looks fabulous – is getting ready to vacation to Cancun in a couple of weeks, asked me to help her try on suits.  And so, since we were there, and I have a destination wedding in Florida in April, I decided, what the hell – I will try on a few suits too.  So, I tried on several bikinis, and needless to say, I was underwhelmed.  I just looked at myself and thought, you know what?  I’m going to be 39 years old in less than two weeks.  I am a mother.  OF COURSE I’m going to have some flab, some cellulite, some stretch marks.  I need to LET GO of the expectation that I need to look like a ten in a bathing suit.  I need to LET GO of the obsession with worrying about how I look to others.  I need to LET GO of the negative self talk.  I need to love myself the way my son and my husband love me.

I’m officially declaring 2015 the year of the tankini, and I’m going to own that bitch!

Has drinking been my escape, my way of coping with my crushing self esteem issues?  Has drinking been the catalyst for every bad decision I’ve made – cheating on my husband because someone else made me feel beautiful, neglecting the inner me because all I ever thought people cared about was the outer shell, never truly opening up to others because I didn’t really think they would ever like the “real” me?  I’m so TIRED of not liking me and I’m so tired of not BEING me for fear that others won’t like the odd, quirky, slightly dorky chick that I really am.

I feel like I have so much work to do to truly become who I am.  But I’m beyond excited to try, because after peeling off that last bikini in the Target dressing room yesterday, I discovered something.  It’s ok to be flawed.  And I can’t believe how FREE I feel, just letting go.

I did it!

I went to the party and stayed sober. Had a wonderful time sledding with the kids and the adults while watching fireworks over the frozen lake. I had wonderful, meaningful conversations that I will remember tomorrow and I was present. Even when a little uncomfortable because I’m outside of the hockey mom clique (our son does karate), I was me. I was awkward, genuine me. And I’m so fucking proud of that!

And the best part – my son had so much fun.

Dreaded Dreams

It’s been a while since I’ve dreamed that I drank and then woke up in a dead panic, but it happened last night.  I actually consider that to be a good thing, though, as it tells me that I’m actually very serious about my sobriety this go around.  When I successfully completed Belle’s 100 day challenge back in 2013, I had similar dreams, and always panicked both in the dream and when I woke up.  But since then, when I stopped focusing so much on staying sober, I’ve dreamt about drinking and it hasn’t really concerned me.  But this time, it did.  This time, maybe it will stick.

Tonight, I’ve been invited to my very good friend’s house for a winter party, complete with fireworks, bonfire, and sledding for the kiddies.  My son and her son are in kindergarten together and are best buddies, so he is excited.  I already told her that I’m not drinking, and she sounded disappointed.  I’ve hinted around to her in the past that I have issues with my off switch, but have never come right out and told her that I’m an alcoholic.  Her and I have only recently become friends, and my husband and I adore her and her husband, and much of our summer/fall last year was spent at their beautiful lake house sipping wine on the patio.  She also knows that I’m a runner, and the timing works out perfectly, because tomorrow morning is the start of my training runs for the 10 mile “Mountain Goat Run” that I’m doing in May. So, instead of getting into the sticky conversation about WHY I’m not drinking, I’ve simply told her that Mountain Goat training starts tomorrow.  So…we shall see how that goes.

Honestly, I’m not even overly excited about going tonight, as there are a couple of women going who I’ve met before that are very arrogant, and without my crutch, it will be even more difficult to face them.  But my friend really wants me to go, and my son definitely wants to see his son, so I suppose we will go.

On a different note, how amazing does it feel to wake up SOBER on a Saturday morning??  This feeling NEVER gets old!!

Sick but sober

I’m suffering through some type of chest cold/laryngitis and my poor son just got over the dreaded stomach bug.  So, needless to say, nobody in our house slept at all Tuesday night/Wednesday morning.  He was sick all night long, and I thank God every day for my husband, who dutifully does clean up duty because I just don’t have the stomach for it.  Yesterday, my mother watched my son because I had to work, and I felt completely hung over due to lack of sleep.  But damn, I was SO happy that it was only exhaustion and not filthy wine that had me in such a state yesterday.  I can say to myself that I did my very best to take care of my son, I was sober, and we survived.