Ugh.

Again, I fall off the wagon.  Again I disappoint myself.  Again I ask WHY??  And I know why.  I know exactly why.  It’s because I have not been putting sobriety FIRST as I did two years ago when I started this journey.  I have not been reading sober blogs, have not been writing posts, and haven’t been doing the other work (self care, exercise, routine, etc.) necessary to stay away from the wine.  So, last night, I drank.  I drank almost an entire bottle of wine.  Instead of watching movies cuddled on the couch with my husband and son, I drank in the kitchen, listened to music, Facebooked, and basically ignored my family on Valentines Day, of all days.  I’m so tired of it, and the only reason that I think I keep going back to it is because, frankly, I’m not taking sobriety seriously.  And I’m sick of failing myself time and again.

I’m almost embarrassed to say “this time, I’m back.”  Because I’ve said it time and again.  But what I will say is that this time, I know that I need to take control of my sobriety and respect the fact that I need to do the work. I’m committing myself to blogging every day, even if I don’t have much to say.  I need to keep my sobriety at the forefront…

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11 thoughts on “Ugh.

  1. Keep coming back. I agree that I must remind myself every day that I am a recovering alcoholic and need to act on that fact to stay sober. Best wishes as you travel on your recovery road . . .

  2. Jessie, I agree with Robert here. Welcome back, and keep coming! This stuff seems to work when you do it daily. Yes, it’s work, but it’s absolutely worth it! Sending you good wishes. xo

  3. Keep coming back. Even if you have to do it 500 times.

  4. Keep working on this. There is no perfect way to do this. Look at your progress. Look at where you were and what you’ve learned up to this point. I’ll bet you’d agree that you have made progress.

    • Thank you. Each time and learn something more and honestly I’m ashamed that I keep failing. But I don’t want to stop trying either.

      • You aren’t failing. You just haven’t found a groove, pattern, mind set that that speaks to you. This isn’t about perfection in one fell swoop. Be open to the lessons you’re learning and add the ones that work to your routine. And remember that this isn’t a linear progression, few things are.

      • I have been thinking of your comment regarding sobriety not being a linear progression, and it really resonates with me. I feel as if my relapses aren’t failures inasmuch as they are a bit of back and forth dance getting me closer and closer to lasting sobriety. Thank you for commenting!

  5. Welcome home 🙂

    Someone smarter than me once pointed out to me that we get drunk because thats what we do and that the whole idea of not getting drunk is a miracle for us. Oh and thanks for sharing about drinking again. For a lot of us its really hard to be honest ya know?

  6. Well done you for reaching this point and having such a great level of self-awareness. I’m still making this mistake (just last night I drank a bottle of wine). I will get to where you are. I just need to face facts first.

    • You will get there – it sometimes takes several tries, but each try brings more awareness. I sure hope this is my last try:). Congrats to you – you’ve decided to explore the notion of being sober – such a big step!

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