So, yesterday, my cousin and went to Target and tried on some bathing suits. A few years ago, I can easily say that I was in tremendous shape. I was working with a trainer weekly and had a body fat percentage around 14% (very low for a female). I wasn’t starving myself (I love food) but was working out hard, following the Paleo diet religiously, and was also going through a tough spot in my marriage (stress is the best fat burner), so it was a perfect storm that I was able to make the most of it and I was a hard body. Everyone looked at me, after years of NOBODY really looking at me, and honestly, it was nice to feel beautiful. Since then, I’ve tried to keep in shape, but honestly, I’m a professional working mom to a very busy 6 year old. Time is not on my side. Ten pounds have crept on, and they aren’t going ANYWHERE unless I radically change my lifestyle. I have STRESSED about this for the past three years big time. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. I know what it was like to be in top shape (which I maintained for about a year), and now, I’m not. I’m average.
Anyhow, back to my bathing suit Target story. My cousin, who has just lost 80 pounds – YES! and looks fabulous – is getting ready to vacation to Cancun in a couple of weeks, asked me to help her try on suits. And so, since we were there, and I have a destination wedding in Florida in April, I decided, what the hell – I will try on a few suits too. So, I tried on several bikinis, and needless to say, I was underwhelmed. I just looked at myself and thought, you know what? I’m going to be 39 years old in less than two weeks. I am a mother. OF COURSE I’m going to have some flab, some cellulite, some stretch marks. I need to LET GO of the expectation that I need to look like a ten in a bathing suit. I need to LET GO of the obsession with worrying about how I look to others. I need to LET GO of the negative self talk. I need to love myself the way my son and my husband love me.
I’m officially declaring 2015 the year of the tankini, and I’m going to own that bitch!
Has drinking been my escape, my way of coping with my crushing self esteem issues? Has drinking been the catalyst for every bad decision I’ve made – cheating on my husband because someone else made me feel beautiful, neglecting the inner me because all I ever thought people cared about was the outer shell, never truly opening up to others because I didn’t really think they would ever like the “real” me? I’m so TIRED of not liking me and I’m so tired of not BEING me for fear that others won’t like the odd, quirky, slightly dorky chick that I really am.
I feel like I have so much work to do to truly become who I am. But I’m beyond excited to try, because after peeling off that last bikini in the Target dressing room yesterday, I discovered something. It’s ok to be flawed. And I can’t believe how FREE I feel, just letting go.