Day 42

It’s been a busy week, both at work and at home.  A had his very first kindergarten play on Wednesday, and he had to dress up like a kitty cat.  I drew a nose and whiskers on him, and he looked adorable!  But he has this weird thing when he gets up in front of a crowd to perform where he just looks completely disgusted and unmotivated – almost like he’s “too cool” to perform.  Like “ugh, Mom, REALLY, a cat??  How lame is this!”  Yep, that’s my kindergartener!  Already jaded…

Work has been crazy, too, but I love my job, and so it’s ok.  It’s amazing how much more productive I am when I’m not dealing with hangovers and guilt from my drinking.  And in my industry, drinking is expected.  I work with men, and they work hard and play hard.  But, I’ve already conquered a few work functions where I’ve been the sober one, and now everyone is starting to expect it from me.  It’s nice to remember what I actually say to my co-workers and customers.  We have a big trip to Las Vegas in a little over a month for a work function (they expect over 15,000 employees and customers for this convention/business meeting), and I’m already planning my strategy for staying sober.  One of my plans is to wake up early (which shouldn’t be a stretch – I’m an early bird anyhow, and going from east coast to west coast, I’ll be all banged up anyhow) and run the Strip.  I cannot WAIT to do that!

As far as me, and my focus on wellness, well, I’ve figured out how to sync my Fitbit to MyFitnessPal, and I’ve been doing a great job tracking my calorie intake.  I’m not being terribly rigid, because I tend to get derailed quickly when I do, but it really is making me more aware of my body’s signals to eat when I’m hungry, as opposed to eating out of boredom and stress.  And as a result, I’ve lost about 4 pounds this week:)  What I also like is that MyFitnessPal tells me when I’m making a good food choice (ex. thai sweet potato sushi rolls – excellent source of Vitamin A!), so it’s nice to be encouraged when making a smart choice.  AND, I have more energy, because I’m not bogged down with excess food that my body doesn’t need.

I’m seeing my hairdresser today – who happens to be one of my closest friends – and I’m doing it!  I’ve been going back and forth for AGES about chopping my long, lovely hair off boy short, and I’m going to do it.  I’ve been saddled with thick, luxurious, unruly hair for ages, and as much as I love it, I hate it, too.  It’s just too much.  When I was in college, I had a cute pixie cut, and everyone said I wore it well.  So, I’m going to do that again.   I’ll literally be cutting off 10-12 inches, easily.  And I’m nervous as hell!!  I’ve already told some of my co-workers that I’m doing it so that Monday morning won’t be so much of a shock (I think that is the part I’m most stressed about), and also so that I don’t lose my nerve.

The urge to drink has been nonexistent these days, for which I’m grateful.  I had the realization the other morning that “wow, I don’t EVER have to wake up hung over again!”  It was so freeing.  I really love this life, hard emotions and all.  I can’t believe I ran from it for so long.

Time for wellness

Winter is such a depressing time of year for me.  I’m not into skiing, snowshoeing, sledding, etc.  I detest being cold, which is somewhat unfortunate as I live in Upstate New York.  But what I’ve noticed is that some part of me stops living when it’s cold.  All of my goals, ambitions, grand ideas seem to wait until spring has sprung.  My motivation hibernates all winter long.  And honestly, I’m over it.  I’m proud of the work I’ve done on my sobriety thus far, but I’ve let everything else slide, and I’m feeling the effects of it, mentally and physically.

Although this is my sobriety blog, I want to rebrand it as my wellness blog.  I want to bring my focus back to eating and cooking healthy meals, moving my body, finding time to meditate and pray, connecting in a positive way with my husband and son, and working on being the best version of myself that I can be.   Simply being sober isn’t enough.

Today’s focus:  putting down the electronics and truly being present with my husband and son.

The concert, continued

I was so bolstered by your comments of support last night as I drove twelve of my closest friends and family members to the Billy Joel concert.  Thank you so much!

For the record, I had an amazing time!  I am giddy with happiness this morning that I had FUN and even moments of pure joy without having to be intoxicated.  I danced, sang, snuggled up to my hubby, laughed with my friends, and even walked 2+ miles to the parking lot after the show (instead of waiting for the shuttle bus), and then drove my friends home safely, came home, washed my face and brushed my teeth, and slept a guiltless sleep, with the words of the Piano Man’s songs streaming through my dreams.  And let me tell ya, the man is 65 years old and his voice is FLAWLESS!  What a show!  He played for 2 and a half hours straight and just belted them out, one after another.   It’s the best concert I’ve ever been to.

My sister got so hammered that she almost barfed in the van on the way home.   Another friend got so drunk she was an emotional mess.   I’m so not judging, because I’ve been there countless times, but I’m just happy I’m not in their shoes today.

Day 36.   Bring it on!

Concert Tonight!

Tonight, I’m the designated driver of a 12 passenger van full of friends and family who are all going to see Billy Joel in concert!  I’m excited and nervous.  Excited because, well, it’s Billy Joel!  Nervous not because I want to drink (I really don’t have the urge at all), but because I’m afraid I’m going to be bitter and ugly when everyone else gets shitty.  I am trying hard to get into the right head space so that I have fun without being bitchy.  Because honestly, sometimes being the ONLY sober person is tough.  It is REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING being around a bunch of drunk people when you’re straight – that’s part of the reason my bartending career never got off the ground;)  But I’m going to be with a group of my favorite people, and I have to remember that I cannot control their behavior (and why would I want to anyways?), I can only control my own.  And I can choose to be Fun Jess, not Bitter Jess.  And the cool thing – I will remember the ENTIRE concert.  Can’t tell you the last time that happened.

Happy Sober Friday, my fellow sober warriors!!

30 Days

30 days today!  I’m feeling so strong in my sobriety this time.   I know it won’t always feel this way, but as I said before, a wave of acceptance has washed over me and I’m feeling so content.  I know that 30 days is only the beginning.  I know that I shouldnt be over exuberant to the point that I’m not humble.  I realize that I’ve been here before and I’ve failed.   And I know that my time of year is coming – when spring first blooms and we have our first really nice, warm day, that I will want that cold glass of chardonnay in the back yard.  But I will try to remember to play the tape to the end, because it never turns out that its just one glass, and the fifth glass of wine is sloppy.  Its never as enchanting as that first sip.  And since I can’t have just one, I really cannot have any at all.

And so, on day 30, its fitting that my son brought this picture home in his folder (please read the caption).

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Sober Saturday Musings

It’s been such a crazy week that I’ve barely checked in, but I’m still sober.  Yesterday was crazy, from Mass and breakfast at my son’s school at 7:30am to a busy day of meetings at work to the kindergarten fish fry at my son’s school – I felt like I was back in school I was there so long yesterday!  I feel so blessed that he goes to such a wonderful school; it’s a small community and so many amazing people are involved to make it feel like one big family.  We definitely sacrifice a lot to send him to parochial school, but I do think that (in the case of our public school district) he receives so much more attention and direction.  As my sober days continue to grow, I hope to become more involved with volunteering at his school.

Today, I had an “Ava Anderson Non Toxic” party at my house.  If you haven’t heard of this, it is an amazing line of non toxic cleaning and personal care items that a friend of mine turned me on to.  Anyhow, after Monday’s shit show (my mom getting bombed), I decided to make this afternoon’s party alcohol free.  Since it kind of goes along with the “healthy” theme anyhow, I decided to make some healthy snacks and serve iced green tea (my fave) and some sparking water and fancy Italian sodas.  I had my two best girlfriends, my sister in law, my mother in law, and my mom in attendance.  We had such a fun time!  It felt good to just socialize without worrying about how much everyone was drinking.  And, bonus:  I cleaned my house top to bottom before everyone came over, so now I have some time to just relax on the couch and snuggle with my son.

Tonight, our son is spending the night with my mom and my hubby and I are going out to dinner with another couple.  They are our big “wine drinking buddies,” however, they know I’m in training for a run, so I’m using that to explain why I’m not drinking tonight.  I hate to lie to them, but honestly, some people just don’t get it when you tell them that you have a drinking problem.  So, I’m a runner in training tonight:)

I know that EllaBee posted something along the lines of finally starting to feel more comfortable in her own skin these days.  Well, I have been feeling quite the same way.  I love this feeling of contentedness and satisfaction with my life that has been washing over me these days.  I honestly feel as if I’m coming into my own, and caring how people view the physical me is so not a priority these days.  I have heard this song more than once on the radio, and every time I hear it, I cry.  I think to myself of how many years I’ve wasted as the girl with zero self esteem that did everything she could to please other people.  I mourn those lost years where I wasn’t true to myself because I chose to be the someone that might be more likeable to others.  And, it’s so freeing to let that go.

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