I don’t know exactly how it’s come about, but I’ve found this sense of complete and total acceptance of myself, and I know for sure that it wouldn’t have ever come about without getting sober. I feel so content just being me, not worrying about measuring up, not worrying about having the latest and greatest, the nicest house, the newest handbag, the smallest waist, the most fashionable clothing. I don’t worry if I’m the smartest in the group, the most polished, the most witty, the prettiest. I don’t worry if my child is the brightest or most athletic, if my husband is the most successful, or if my dogs are the most well behaved (thank goodness!). In the immortal words of Del Griffith (“Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”), I like me. I’m just truly fucking thrilled with the place I am right now.
Now, that’s not to say that I don’t have my struggles. OH BOY, do I have my struggles! Making ends meet to pay A’s tuition, reining in my anger sometimes so that I can parent in a caring, compassionate manner instead of a punishing, cold manner. Igniting the spark in my marriage when full time job, full time mom, housekeeper, short order cook, etc, all comes first. Worrying that maybe I’m not exercising as much as I should, or eating as healthily as I should, or reading enough to my son, or walking the dogs enough, or working hard enough at work, or keeping the house as clean as I should, or neglecting friendships that I shouldn’t but that I just can’t seem to make enough time for….yes….I have these struggles, and more. But I’ve come to accept them, to keep from letting them distract me from the most important thing, which is being present in the beautiful life that I’ve been blessed with, and accepting the bad with the good. And honestly, I owe it all to being sober. What an amazing gift it is!
30 days today! I’m feeling so strong in my sobriety this time. I know it won’t always feel this way, but as I said before, a wave of acceptance has washed over me and I’m feeling so content. I know that 30 days is only the beginning. I know that I shouldnt be over exuberant to the point that I’m not humble. I realize that I’ve been here before and I’ve failed. And I know that my time of year is coming – when spring first blooms and we have our first really nice, warm day, that I will want that cold glass of chardonnay in the back yard. But I will try to remember to play the tape to the end, because it never turns out that its just one glass, and the fifth glass of wine is sloppy. Its never as enchanting as that first sip. And since I can’t have just one, I really cannot have any at all.
And so, on day 30, its fitting that my son brought this picture home in his folder (please read the caption).
I relapsed. Not a hot mess, drunk as a skunk, acting ridiculous type relapse. But since hitting my 100 days, I’ve drank probably on five or six occasions. Justified my actions by being proud that I didnt get too drunk. But really, what the hell was I thinking?
Yesterday was my son’s 5th birthday. We had lunch at a restaurant after church with our friends and their two kids, my sister and my mom. For some reason I felt like I deserved a glass of wine with lunch, which really ended up being two glasses. Then my girlfriend brought wine back to our house, where our family was joining us for cake and ice cream. Of course I had more wine. But I paced myself – I drank sparkling water between glasses. Yay me!
As the day went on I became more and more disgusted with myself. My son’s birthday was overshadowed by drinking. What the hell? And as I think more and more about it, as I have let my sobriety go, I have also stopped taking care of myself in other ways. Gym? Not much. Healthy eating? Hardly. Relationship with hubby? Not great. When I toe the line with my sobriety, everything else falls into place. When I don’t, I’m a hot mess.
I am pulling myself together now before my life turns into a shit show. I reached out to Belle so that I can do another 100 day challenge. I’m texting a sober buddy to be accountable. I’m going to get my ass back in the gym because I always feel better when I work out. I will blog more often. It keeps me on the right track.
Day one. Again.